It always comes back

* watch for triggers!

No matter what you do, this grief will come back and bite you when you least expect it. As I said before, it's still there. It's there every day, but sometimes it's just not as heavy. But it's there and it definitely slapped me in the face yesterday. Remember this post? Well, yesterday was my first day back to work (again). I say again because it's the second year in a row I have taken a maternity leave, only this time I got to bring my baby home. I was so anxious about my return, but it ended up being fine and not as bad as I had expected it to be. I held it together dropping Joshua off (not to say that it would have been wrong if I bawled right in the middle of his daycare), but I'm not that type of a person. I don't cry in public and I just don't do that, which is part of the reason I said "everyone was fine" in the post from last year. The lot guy didn't specify WHO was fine, so what was the reason in telling him my baby died nearly four months ago? He doesn't need to know my story. Just let me walk to my car and be on my way. Well, last night, the evening crew was on and they of course recognized me. They obviously knew I had a baby, so she asked me the normal things, 'Did you have a girl/boy?', 'How old is he?', 'Do you have pictures?', blah blah... All completely normal until we reach to a certain point. Then it just kind of turned into an awkward terrible lie. This is how it went:

'And he has a sister/brother at home, right?'

Me: (thrown off) Umm... (thinking: oh shit! that's right! I told her she was 'fine' last year...shit, shit, shit!) yeah! A sister, that's right.

'How old is she now?'

Me: Oh...a little over a year (I mean, DEAD for over a year...)

'Do you have pictures of her too??'

Me: Umm....no, not any of her, just him.... (unless you want to see grave pictures! got a lot of those!!!) and I SWEAR she looked confused, like 'why does she have ALL these pictures of the one baby and none of her other one??' Well lady, I do, those pictures just tend to freak people out.

'Oh, I bet it's so hard having two babies at home, huh???' (probably thinking, damn! this girl just pops out kids every year!)

Me: Nope, not so much!

And with every question, I was literally inching closer and closer to the car thinking, WHY did I just not tell her she died last year? WHY am I lying about this? WHY am I not just running away? WHY is this my life? Nobody else has to put up with this crap, well, unless they've lost a baby. So, lesson learned. Lying and saying people are 'fine' when their really DEAD comes back to bite you in the ass. It just goes to show you that your life can be completely different, but it's still the same because you still have this grief. It doesn't go away. It will follow you everywhere and show up when you least expect it. *sigh* But, the bright side to all of this is, the minute I started getting upset over it, I saw a butterfly fly right by my car. :-)  It had to be Alexandra saying, it's okay Mommy... I'm here. You'll be okay. And I think I will be. I just miss her so much...still. xoxo