You're still my first...

Hi Alexandra,

Remember me? It's Mommy. Sometimes I feel like this blog, your space has been neglected. It wasn't too long ago that I would come on here and just write about you all the time. How I felt, how much I missed you, how angry I was that people seemed to have forgotten you...you know, just about everything. This blog is as much as yours as it is mine and me not writing in it every day like I used to kind of makes me feel sad. But, it doesn't mean I have forgotten you. I most certainly have not. If anything, I think of you even more, if that's at all possible.  I see your little brother every day and I think of how much you would have had fun playing with him. I think of all the things I am missing and have missed with you, when I am taking care of him. I still wear the ring they gave to me in the hospital around my neck, as a way to remember you. Sometimes people ask what it is and sometimes they don't. I'm not sure if they ever notice it or just never want to say anything to me about it because it will make me "sad". I carry a butterfly keychain with me every day and butterfly charms hang on my purse. One charm says, "To Mommy". I bought that on Father's Day last year for your Daddy. He has one that says, "To Daddy".

Now that your little brother is here, people often ask me if he is my first. I'm still struggling with what to say sometimes. But I think from now on, instead of worrying about them, I'm going to say I had you first because you ARE and always will be my first. It shouldn't be an issue and I shouldn't have to feel dumbfounded when people ask me that question. It should be easy to answer like it is for all those normal people out there. So, don't you worry. If I'm asked that again, I'll be talking about you. I'm not letting this stupid question annoy me any longer.

I just wanted to stop and say, 'Hi Alexandra'. I miss you. It's been twenty months since I've held you and that doesn't even seem real to me. We still need to get you new butterflies and bring them to you. I will very soon. We love you little girl. You are missed and always will be.

Love,
Mommy xoxo