A triumphant return? Probably not.

I am embarrassed by the amount of time that has gone by since my last post. I'm sure I have lost some followers. I'm sure some have formed their own opinions about me, this blog, Alexandra, whatever and they have good reason. My last post was in July. JULY, nearly three months ago. My excuse? Laziness, work...life. No time...laziness. Yes Alexandra, I'm lazy. You know that. But others might think I've forgotten you, that I've gotten "over" you, "over" everything, that your little brother has erased my pain. That is not the truth. I still think of you every day. I still remember you, despite having to take your necklace off because of your little brother. He likes to chew on it too much and I cannot take any risk of it popping off and him choking on it. The thought of my live baby choking on the ring of my dead baby? The irony is almost too much and too cruel. So, I'll wear her ring for now or look at her things and her pictures. But most of all, Alexandra is still very much in my heart and that's what really matters, right?

Part of the reason I have been missing so much (another excuse) is because Alexandra, you are going to be a big sister, again. Yes, it's true! So, I have been busy to say the least. But it still doesn't make up for it.

Blogging used to be my outlet. It was my addiction and it was something I HAD to do that day to feel better. It made my day complete. Now it seems to be something to do when I have a spare minute. I hope I haven't given people the wrong idea of me "forgetting" my baby. I definitely have not.

I'm still being haunted by me answering, 'everybody is fine' to the evening parking attendant a few months after Alexandra died. She still thinks I have TWO babies HERE, so every time I see her after work, I will get, "Hey! How are the kids doing?" Oh yeah, THEY are doing GREAT... let me be on my way ok? And now it seems as if so much time has gone by that it's just too awkward to say anything now. It's kind of like that Friends episode, when Chandler's co-worker keeps calling him 'Toby'. Oh, it's gone by way too long now... lol!!! At least I can laugh about it. But it's annoying. The morning attendant knows about Alexandra, so I never have to lie to him. But I do on several occasions to the nightly one. I hate that and I wish I never had to lie in the first place. I wish I could tell the truth. I wish it wasn't awkard. I wish that question didn't have to be so hard...but it is. And it just goes to show you that nothing ever goes away, especially in cases of losing a baby. It's always there.

Lastly, seeing how it's October, I'm going to try and pop in and out of here every so often, but I have no idea how often I'll be able to do that. Until next time Alexandra, I love you. xoxoxo