A lot has happened since what, July? Not one second or one day has gone by without thinking of Alexandra either. We just had her third "birthday" last Friday and I cannot believe it has been three years. Some days it seems just like yesterday. Others and most days it seems like forever ago. This birthday was hard for some reason and I cannot say why. Of course, all her birthdays will be hard, but I was thinking of her a lot this year. We had a nice remembrance of her by visiting her grave and releasing balloons (and I even managed to include some of her friends with some butterfly tags I bought).
Some of the tags.
Joshua and me (holding a butterfly of course, he's crazy about them!).
Bittersweet to say the least. Overall, it was a peaceful day and I felt very loved by a lot of people. It's nice to know after three years, people still remember. Alexandra has not been forgotten.
My boys continue to amaze me and remind me of how lucky (well, as lucky as I can be for now) I am every day. Joshua is 21 months old now and talking and doing something new every day. Adam is 7 months old and starting to develop a personality all of his own. And every time I think I need a "break", a little part of me feels guilty and I think back to this blog and how I wrote about how much I wanted and needed all of this. I think it's twice as hard if you have had a loss to want to admit to yourself that you need a break every now and then. It feels like I'm not grateful or something and that is defiintely NOT the case. I'm only human, but I also don't want to not be grateful either.
Another crazy thing has happened in the last few weeks involving Alexandra. After every bath I give Joshua, he hops out of the tub, turns around and says, 'bye bye baby!' as if he is saying goodbye to a baby or someone. Logically, I want to say he is saying goodbye to the water. But, he knows his words and if he was saying goodbye to that, he would say, 'wa wa', right?? He knows too many words and is right about too many things to not make me wonder if he really is seeing a baby (Alexandra?). The other time, he actually said, 'bye bye baby!' and we asked, 'where is the baby?' and he pointed to thin air and said, 'right there!'. And then he followed that, by pointing and waving more and saying, 'good night baby!' Kind of crazy, huh? Crazy? Comforting? Amazing? Who knows. I would like to think that he is seeing her and she's "visiting", but I never really believed in any of that stuff (until now maybe). And it's always during bath time. I BBM Ann today and she said, maybe it's bath time because that's where I was when I realized she wasn't moving anymore. Whatever it is, it's nice to know she could be visiting in some way. So, hi Alexandra! :-)
I love that Alexandra may be visiting during bathtime. It seems to me like she is. My nephew is 18 months old and he calls Emily "baby" or "Em", definitely knowing the words for water, baby, etc. Emily is 3 months old now, but for the past 2 days, she looks over my shoulder and talks and talks and talks and there is no one there...not even anything particularly interesting to look at. I have to wonder if she is seeing Jacob and/or the babies I've miscarried.
ReplyDeleteI also feel guilty if I ever just want a small break or if I get frustrated during the night when she is wide awake or I'm just so tired, she just ate but she wants to eat again. I longed for nights like that after losing Jacob so I feel guilty if I feel anything but thrilled. But being a Mom is hard work, regardless of our history. That's what I've heard from other people and tell myself sometimes.
It's so hard to believe that it has been 3 whole years now since Alexandra was born. Time is such a funny thing, how it can feel like yesterday and many, many years ago at the same time.
I thought of you and Alexandra a lot on her birthday. xoxo
Oh, I love the blog design too!
ReplyDeleteHappy 3rd birthday baby girl!
ReplyDeleteSo sweet that she would be visiting, I don't doubt it for a second. Watching over her little brothers, that one.