So different

* This post will contain triggers. Read on with caution.

I was going to write about this in Joshua's blog, but the more I think about it, the more it relates to Alexandra. I've been thinking a lot lately now that Alexandra's little brother is here. It still seems surreal. One minute Joshua was inside me and I was full of fear and worry every single minute of the day and the next thing I know, he's here, safe in my arms and needing me all the time, which I love.

I have to say the obvious and comment about just how different it is this time around. Having a new baby after a loss brings up so many feelings and thoughts. I'm still stunned by the amount of people that have suddenly popped back into our lives. A couple people who wanted to give us "time and space" after Alexandra died suddenly popped back and offered congratulatory wishes to me. Some people I haven't spoken to in years knew we had Joshua and sent us a baby gift. While I appreciate the gesture, it makes me wonder what kind of human finds this kind of behavior to be acceptable? There's a reason some people are not in my life and quite frankly, I would like to keep it that way. But to randomly give someone a gift after years of not speaking?? I don't know about other people, but if it were me, I would feel very awkward giving someone a gift after not speaking. Maybe that's just me though and I'm the one who is not normal. I did have a baby that died over a year ago and we all know THAT isn't normal at all.

So, there's that and I think out of everything, that's the thing that bothers me the most. People who walked away after our world was shattered because they didn't know what to do or say reappear the minute our world seems all sunny again. It pisses me off and it frustrates me. People like that seem very fake to me and I'm not going to put up with it. I'll accept the gifts and congrats, but I will not accept them back into my life. They had the chance to be there for me, for us, and for Alexandra. I don't think they deserve to be there for us and Joshua.

Another thing I notice is people telling me to enjoy Joshua while he is this small because it won't last very long. I understand what they are saying and I'm not saying it's a bad thing to say. It's just another thing that we are told that makes us stop and think again because we are all different from everyone else (or at least that's how I feel). Babies grow fast. They change every day. But every time I hear it, I almost want to cringe because we have a baby that will always remain a baby. Alexandra never got the chance to get bigger. She'll never outgrow anything and she will never reach another milestone. So while I will enjoy Joshua while he is this small, I also want him to continue growing and to do all the things his sister never got to do.

In the end, the thing I think of the most is how very "lucky" I am. I'll put 'lucky' in quotes because I don't feel completely lucky (how can you after your firstborn dies for no reason?). But I do. I feel lucky because I looked back at where I was a year ago and it was a very dark place. So dark that I can barely read any posts that were during that time. It's like a different Maggie. It's a Maggie without any hope, a Maggie who is very sad and frustrated, angry with the world and everyone in it... jealous, and sad. I wasn't even sure I could get pregnant then. But here I am, almost a year later and I have everything I ever wanted then. I have my Joshua. I have a living baby. I'm doing all those "Mom" things I never got to do with Alexandra. I actually look normal to everyone on the outside, even though in my heart I know it's very not normal at all. So thinking about all of that constantly reminds me of just how lucky I am and it makes me appreciate and love Joshua that much more and also makes me miss Alexandra that much more. With every feeding, every dirty diaper or every cry, I smile because I remember and still know just how sad it all could be. Alexandra, you are still very missed. Don't you ever forget that. :-)