There is no doubt that all of you have those horrible thoughts that come to you over and over and over in your head, like the "I wish...", "I want to go back and...", "I never...". Today, on Facebook of all things, this was the topic for
Chicken Soup for the Angel Mommy and Daddy's Soul. I thought I would share what I posted in my status here.
I wish I would have gone to L & D that weekend.
I want to go back in time and hold onto her a little bit longer.
I didn't think I would ever lose my firstborn child.
I should have listened to myself more when I noticed she wasn't kicking as much.
I would have enjoyed her pregnancy more if I knew it was going to end.
Instead, I think of Alexandra every single day... and hold her in my heart. I'll never forget.
I didn't think writing all that out would be a big deal for me, but before I knew it, I was holding back tears after posting that. It's hard to see some things in writing sometimes. I'm not sure why, maybe because it makes it that much more real. Ugh. What are some of the things you wish you could have done? There are so many things I wish I could have done and I'm sure they are written about in this blog. The logical part of me says that I did everything I ever could and in no way, what happened to Alexandra was not my fault at all... but the Mommy in me says... I didn't save her. And I am so...very sorry and still heartbrokened over that. This is just another thing that shows, no matter how much time passes, you never, ever get over losing a baby. It's a harsh reality and I wish so much that more people understood that. It would make things so much more easier.
((hugs)). i agree that letting things come out into words make it more real. there are so many, many things, but the one thing, as you said, is i wish i could have saved my babies. but because i couldn't i find this myriad of little things to try to "make up" for it--as if anything could. from unwrapping calvin and looking at his body, to taking more pictures, to bringing a digital camera for better pictures, to insisting on an earlier ultrasound... and for my other babies, insisting on tests during my pregnancy. for Rainbow, maybe getting a D&E, so she could have gotten tested. For Gaelen, maybe waiting and letting it happen naturally, so it wasn't like I was rejecting her (which I know I wasn't because she was already gone... but still).
ReplyDeleteI wish I had taken a belly picture every week. Instead we skipped a few weeks here and there.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had written down every time I felt him kick.
I wish that I held him longer.
I wish that I had looked a this back more. I was so intent on looking at his face, that I only looked at the back of his body when I gave him a bath.
I wish I had more video of me holding him.
The guilt never goes away, no matter how much we "know" that we didn't do anything wrong.
I wish I could know for sure if the stress in my life is what caused Claire's little heart to stop beating.
ReplyDeleteI wish I would have gotten her exact weight and length.
I wish we would have thought to ask to retry getting her handprints when we saw her for the second and last time.
I wish I would have been offered the blanket she was born and wrapped up in.
And although these are all things I can think of right now, I am sure there are more and had I had all of those I am sure there would be something else that I would want. *sigh*
I wish I would have known more about the cervix during pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteI want to go back in time and hold onto him a little bit longer.
I didn't think I would ever lose a baby past the first trimester.
I should have kept Jonathan's blanket close to me and now I can't find it. :(
I would have stayed off my feet if I had known...
I miss Jonathan every single day... love him always!
The guilt eats at me almost two years later. I wished I could have done for Jonathan what I was able to do for Joshua....give him life.
*huge hugs*
So many things you would change if you could.
ReplyDeleteI will do one too....
I wish I would've been taking more folic acid.
I want to be able to hold her in my arms again.
I didn't think it would ever happen to me.
I should have made more memories when she was still with me.
I would have taken more pictures had I realized how much they would come to mean to me.
There are so many things I wish I could change, but unfortunately that's not an option. I know that what was meant to be is, but that doesn't always make it easy to accept on the hard days.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had taken more videos and more pictures.
I wish I had played the three songs I wanted during her funeral service.
I wish I had held her more, especially on her last day.