Alexandra's walk and other ramblings

* I'm posting a picture of Alexandra's brother, so there will be triggers. Read and look with caution.

We walked for our little girl this past Sunday for the second year in a row. It was raining before and after, but it barely drizzled during the actual walk (thank you Alexandra!) :-)  This year seemed different for a lot of reasons. One obvious reason was that Alexandra's little brother was along for the ride!

Here he is in his shirt. It says, 'I'm walking for my big sister!' and has Alexandra's name and birthday underneath.

And here we are during the actual walk. We took the short route this year because of Joshua, but it was still good. I remember last year just hoping and praying that the next year I would be pushing a stroller during the walk and here I am. Would you look at that? I got my wish and I cannot express how lucky I feel to have Joshua here with me today! Damn!! I just still can't believe it. Overall, the walk was good and we'll probably keep doing it every year. Thanks to my friends who participated again for the second year in a row! I love them for doing it. It's so touching and really says a lot to me when people remember our Alexandra.

Speaking of remembering Alexandra, I don't know if it's the loom of Mother's Day coming up soon or what, but I'm starting to get those feelings of dread and anger back again. It just bothers me that this year, people don't hesitate at all in saying, 'Happy Mother's Day' to me because I have a baby here with me. I have living proof that I am a mother this year! But last year, it was, 'Oooh...should we wish her a Happy Mother's Day? Is she a Mom? I mean...her baby died and she isn't here, so would she celebrate Mother's Day? I know, let's just not say anything, then we can avoid the entire thing.' LOL I don't think anyone in my life was actually cruel enough to think that, but in my mind, that's what I think people are all saying! I think being a BLM makes you paranoid to a certain degree and you just start to think of all these nasty things people might think because at one point or another, someone DID say a nasty thing to you. So, yes, that's what I've been thinking this year and it's bothering me to say the least. I'm dreading the "First Mother's Day" card... IF I get one at all. I'm dreading people forgetting that Alexandra is the one who made me a Mom first and I just hate that I have to think about any of this at all. Last year, I literally ran away from Mother's Day and this year, I feel like running away too. I guess Mother's Day will never truly be the same.


I want to wish you all a peaceful Mother's Day this coming weekend. Whether it's your first one without your baby or not, I know it's going to be difficult and I hope the day is somewhat peaceful. Pamper yourself that day and know that you ARE a Mom and nothing can take that away from you and do what is right for yourself and noone else. If you have to stay in bed that whole day, stay in bed and think of your baby. If you have a rainbow, hug that baby tight and give him/her an extra kiss. Thinking of you all and sending you love.