Some things never change

“There’s no tragedy in life like the death of a child. Things never get back to the way they were.” Dwight D. Eisenhower, 34th President of the U.S. whose son Doud died of scarlet fever at the age of three.

I saw this quote on Facebook and thought I would post it since today is President's Day. Isn't that the truth? Things never really do get back to the way they were. 

I still look at pictures and think if it was before or after Alexandra. If it was before, I think about how young and innocent I was. Pictures of me after Alexandra make me feel old. I look like I've been through hell and back in a way, at least that's what I think. 

I still see other little girls who would be around her age and wonder what she would have looked like or would have been doing now. 

I still have awkward moments with random people every so often who just don't know.... whether it's just someone at a store or someone who I might have just gotten to have known in the last couple of years. 

I still wonder what the fuck happened to my baby and why she isn't here. 

I still remember every unkind thing that was said to me after she died and still have a hard time forgiving the people who said them. Maybe it makes me a little resentful and unforgiving, but I'm sorry...I can't help it. 

I'm still scared to death something will happen to this new baby I'm carrying, despite the fact that I brought Alexandra's brother home safe and sound and in my arms. I know all too well that lightning CAN strike twice and I will never be that naive again like I was with Alexandra. I hate that. I wish I could feel good about something for once.

I still cry. 

So some things never change. I guess they just get easier to manage.