And there it was...

It has been nearly three years since Alexandra has been gone. Three years. A lot has happened since then. Most people would probably think, three years, surely she's "over it" by now. Just look at her. She has had two healthy boys since then. Her babies are here, just like she wanted...except it's not everything. I never wanted to lose my firstborn. I never thought I could lose her and she would die. I never thought my entire life would change in an instant. I never thought relationships would change. Except it did, along with everything else. That's why, three years later, receiving a baby shower invitation in the mail still hurt.

I was feeding Joshua a few nights ago, laughing and talking to him like every other night. Then for some reason, I felt like getting the mail. So I did and there it was. I knew it might have been coming too because my Mom had mentioned it to me a few weeks earlier. It was a pink envelope addressed to me. I knew what it was. I opened it up and there it read, "baby girl". I instantly remembered my baby shower. I remembered all of the hope and what a happy day it was. I remembered literally being showered with gifts. It was one of my last happy times I had with Alexandra and that's one reason why baby showers hurt so much, especially baby girl ones. Part of me says, "Come on Maggie, it's been three years. Don't let this get to you." But another part of me hurts. My heart ached just as much as it did after losing Alexandra. My heart had not ached like that in a long time, but it did that night. I started crying and I wasn't expecting to. All I could think of was Alexandra and what I had lost. Then I started thinking of this shower and how everyone was "expecting" me to come. I started wondering if anyone even thought of what that invitation would mean to me, three years later. I started thinking people have obviously forgotten that I lost a little girl three years ago. There was no way I could go to this shower if the invitation itself made me a crying mess, so I politely rsvp'd "no" and didn't give a reason. I will send a gift because I'm "nice", but little girl things still make me sad. To this day, if I'm in a little girl section, I avoid it completely or I rush out of there as fast as I can. It seems stupid to me, but it is what it is. The crazy thing is if this shower had been for a close friend or someone who had been there for me through it all, I probably would have sucked it up and gone. It would have been hard, but I would have done it for whomever it was. Call me choosy, I guess.

What it all comes down to is, Alexandra is still gone and her death is something we will never be over, so reminders and feelings are still there. And sometimes, it still hurts, even if we look happy and content to everyone on the outside.