This life

Whenever I feel sad or frustrated, I think those are the times I think of Alexandra the most. I think it's because before her, everything seemed so simple. After she died is when everything changed and started to seem so complex. Even before she died, I thought my life was different from a lot of people's because I had a father who died when I was very young (eight years old). I grew up with just my Mom and my Grandparents for a lot of the time. My Grandpa was my best friend and then when he died, I thought that would be my biggest loss next to my Dad. Then Alexandra died and it is her. I always look back and think to myself how different my life has changed because of her death. I have lost friends. Relationships with almost everyone are changed now. Life just seems to be very different. It's not what I had imagined to be when I was a little girl playing house, that's for sure.

Sometimes I want to say I hate this life. I hate that my firstborn baby died. But at the same time, I love it because I know how grateful and lucky I am to have two healthy babies alive and here in my arms. I cannot tell you how I feel each day knowing that they are here with me. Every day seems like its own little miracle. But at the same time, it's not easy at all. And every time I feel like it's not easy, I feel like a complete asshole for thinking that because I know that nearly 4 years ago, I was wishing for everything I have right now. I wanted sleepless nights, crazy mornings, a dirty house, undone chores, etc. etc. etc. I wanted it all, but maybe then I was thinking I could have all that, but with a little help every now and then. I'm not superwoman. I wish I was sometimes, but even she needed help every once in a while, right?

I still miss this blog and this space. I just don't have the time for it like I had before.

In the spirit of catching up, Alexandra's baby brother, Adam just had a first birthday! This year went by fast! Maybe a little too fast. I cannot believe he is one. He is so close to standing and walking on his own too. He is the sweetest little boy I could ever ask for and I'm so happy and thankful to have him here with us. I wish Alexandra was here to be with her brothers.

Here is a picture of Adam with his brother on his first birthday. We had a great time!