The "F" word

One word that always seems to bring it's ugly head into loss and grief is the dreaded "F" word. No, not that "F" word...well, I take that back. That one does exist, at least with me and I don't limit it to loss and grief. I use it every day. I admit it. I swear like a sailor. But that's not the word I was referring to. I was referring to "forgiveness". Fast forward almost four years and this post still irks me to this very day. I have not been able to forget about it. I have not been able to "forgive" and it has caused drama, tears, anger, sadness, and every other emotion in between for myself and husband. It's hard to forgive someone who told you to forget about your firstborn child. It's hard to forgive someone who told you to throw all her stuff away and act like she never happened. How is that even possible? It's hard to forgive, especially if that person has not personally or expressed sorry for the hurt that was caused. I myself find it annoying that I just can't LET IT GO and move on from it and live my life without having any sort of resentment or anger. Every time I try it just results in an epic failure and I think back to how my life was before Alexandra and how different everything was. Then I get into the whys and what ifs and the grief starts all over again.... FOUR years later (almost four). This life is a bitch sometimes, even if right now I do have almost everything I ever wanted or needed. As I type this, I have two babies sleeping soundly in their beds. Back in 2010 when I wrote that post, I had no idea that would ever be possible! I would have told you to shut the fuck up (ah, there it is!) :-)  That just wasn't a reality to me then and sometimes it still doesn't seem real, after all we have been through. I wish so much I could let it all go, but it's too hard.

On another note, I miss blogging. Reading that post reminded me of all the friends I have made throughout the years (most of whom I see on FB now). :)  But it just isn't the same. Blogging is so intimate (how can something so public feel so intimate????) Nevertheless, reading the comments made me feel good for the first time today. So thank you to all of you...if someone still reads this thing!