Too cute and too perfect

It's definitely interesting to look back at my posts from a year ago to see where I was then and where I am now. All I feel and remember from those old, dark posts is pain and heartache. Why was my baby taken away from me? Why did this happen? Why me? All I felt then was sadness, heartache and anger. It was just the beginning of me hearing comments from "them" and being judged for whatever I was feeling. It was basically the beginning of a year from hell and at the time, I was not prepared for it at all. How can you prepare to defend yourself when well meaning people say things like, "well, it was for the best" or "I know how you feel.", or "Well, just have another, forget about that other baby." You really can't. I think it just takes a lot of patience and strength to finally get up the nerve to either tell them to politely shut up or just smile and change the topic. So, that was all this time last year. Now, I find myself here.

I was grabbing some lunch today and I went to McDonald's. These are their current happy meal toys and I couldn't resist! I'm not sure if it's sad or what, but the first thing that came to my mind when I saw these toys was, 'Wow, those are the perfect size toys to put next to Alexandra's grave'. Plus they are really cute! Never in a million years would I imagine myself thinking some random toy from a fast food place is the "perfect" thing to decorate my daughter's grave with. It's a little fucked up if you ask me, but to someone who has lost their baby, I suppose it would be a common thought. I'm sure to others (to "them") those thoughts would be dark and they would also think it was "fucked up", but in a different way. But to all of us, I think it makes sense. So, that's where I am today. I am able to get excited about stupid happy meal toys because it's something for Alexandra. Most days now, I very rarely find myself in that dark, sad place I was. My heart doesn't ache as much. There was a time where it actually physically hurt, but those days are rare. Every so often, if I see some trigger or something that catches me off guard, I do feel that stabbing pain, but for the most part, I guess I could describe it as a dull ache. I barely ever notice it, but it's still there. And if it's at all possible, I think I miss her more and more every day... still.