Dear Alexandra

Note: there will be triggers here in this post.

Dear Alexandra,

Congratulations! You officially became a big sister to baby brother, Joshua on February 3, 2011 at 2:49 p.m. Oh, how I wish you could be HERE with him today, but if you have to watch over him instead, I guess that's what we will do. I thought of you so much that day. Almost every person at the hospital asked me if this was my first baby, but I told them no, Joshua is my second because you, my darling will always be my firstborn. Please do not feel that you have been replaced or forgotten. We will never forget you and we are always going to tell Joshua about his big sister, who watches over him every day. I hope that he can learn to love you as much as we love you today.

I was surprised at how hard it was for me to leave the hospital with your little brother. You would think I would feel nothing but happiness and have a huge smile on my face, but I didn't. All I thought of was when I was leaving the hospital with you. It was almost like a trigger in itself that I didn't see coming. I remember the day I left with you. It was the first time I was leaving the "safe zone" of the hospital and the first time I had to face the real world. I remember the nurse telling me how sorry she was for my loss. I remember being wheeled out of the room, holding nothing but a box of your things in a tiny, purple box. I remember crying because I was supposed to be leaving with you, but all I had were things you had worn and things to remember you by. When I left with your big brother, Daddy said, 'Look Maggie, you're not leaving with a box! You have Joshua!' I hate that we even have to think of that. I wish we could have been thinking, 'I can't wait for Alexandra to meet her little brother!' instead of those thoughts. But I will say that I was happy to be leaving with him in my arms. For once, I was able to be on the other side of it all, and people were oohing and ahhing over your little brother and congratulating us. It was such a different experience and so very bittersweet.

We took your brother to his first pediatrician appointment a few days after getting home and I had to fill out an information sheet. There was a box for "sibling names" and I had to leave it blank. I wanted so much to be able to write in your name and that made me sad too. Just because I didn't write it there, doesn't mean you aren't his big sister, just know that. We both know you are, but sometimes the real world is just not ready to accept that fact. I wish it was different.

I'm so worried that more and more people are going to forget you completely now that Joshua is here. But we will do our best to remember you, like we always do. We will make sure Joshua knows too. We will bring him to visit you when it gets warmer and make you be a part of his life, like you are for Mommy & Daddy. I hope he can learn to love you in his own unique way and I hope you can learn to show him some signs every now and then. So, congrats baby girl... be a great big sister to him and watch over him. You are and always will be our first daughter and we miss you so much these past few days.

Love,
Mommy