Sometimes I look at my blog from a year ago and I can barely read through my own posts! Their too sad. I look at where I was then and where I am now and it really makes me think. I think of how painful everything was then and I can immediately feel that ache in my heart. I remember the sting I felt every time some pregnant woman crossed my path (which seemed like every second). I remember crying all the time. I remember just trying to get through the days. And I remember the feeling of dread, anger and jealousy I had awaiting for the birth of my niece. It sounds terrible and I actually hate typing those words because things are so different now, but I remember everything so well. Now a year later, I have that baby I longed for, safe in my arms and I think of how lucky I am every single day. But that doesn't mean I forget about Alexandra either. Yesterday was the first time I actually answered, 'Yes' to the dreaded 'Is this your first?' question. I hated myself for saying it too. I felt guilty. I wanted to say, 'No', but then they would have asked how old she was and it was just easier to say 'yes' to shut the person up and end the conversation. My husband has come up with a way to not feel so guilty about it. He thinks of it as saying, 'Yes, ...it's my first time having a two-month old that is alive' and not in the ground. I guess that's a different way of looking at it, but I wish that innocent question didn't carry as much weight as it does. I wish we could just answer it normally like everyone else with more than one child.
The end of the month is also my niece's 1st birthday. There will be a party and we'll be going, but I know it's going to be hard. I'm trying my best to be upbeat about it, but it's hard to be upbeat about first birthdays when all you're used to celebrating are first birthdays in heaven. How twisted is that? I just have a sinking feeling sometimes whenever I think about it and it just goes to show you that time never heals. There is always a hole in your heart for the baby that was lost and never had a chance to grow up. New baby or not, it still hurts.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I WAS JUST GOING TO BLOG ABOUT THIS! Same thing I can barely read my own posts from Cara...its hard to believe we were that broken and that all that happened to us...
ReplyDeleteI understand the question about how many children do you have. I have had to answer that question a few times now. And it does not get easier. I have come to the point where I pick the answer that works with the situation, i.e. if I know that person really cares or if they are just making conversation.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote about the "Is this your first?" question too. I completely understand the guilt. Funny how sometimes we all feel so alone, but we're all actually going through the exact same thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are having some lighter days. Thinking of Alexadra, always.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it does hurt to read the 1st part of your blogging journey. Alexandra will always be in your heart and certain things will always hurt. Baby girl showers still get me, all these years later. It even hurts to see girl shower pictures on blogs. The infamous question of "how many" is a tricky one, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have come somewhat forward in your grief, and I am here if you need me. Sending love....
I look back at what I just wrote a few months ago when I started my blog and instantly I'll feel sad- I can only imagine looking at them a year later.
ReplyDeleteI've been lucky enough so far to avoid the "how many children" question...surprisingly. I'm waiting for it every time I meet someone though.
ReplyDeleteYou have come a long way in your grief journey. And Alexandra and your love for her is there all the time...every day...every step. I hope the birthday party goes well, and that Joshua is extra snuggly that day for you :)
I have tried to re read my blog from last year and I just want to "hug that ann". I cant say that I am better now or not. i feel different about things. baby girls still sting (not my friends rainbows though) but I hear what you are saying with "is this your first" and I like the logic behind Mark's answer, I just dont know if I can do it. Either way you are not doing a disservice to alexandra, she KNOWS she is your first, she is your first on so many things...mostly your first love. Joshua is lucky to have you as a mother. NOt everyone in the world needs to hear the story. like my mother said the other day....no one cares to hear it so why stress yourself (this is a longer story lol) but its true. we feel the guilt behind the story if we say "yes" to that question, but either way the person is just asking cause its common question. almost like "How are you?" and you know NO ONE really cares how you are lol. love u and your babies!!
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