A picture I thought I would never see

* this post may contain triggers, read with caution

I am trying to make this blog to be only about Alexandra. Lately, I've been thinking of her a lot and I think it's because of her little brother. I don't like to include posts that may contain triggers because I know it may be very sensitive to some people, but her brother is a part of her too now, so why not. We finally took Joshua to visit his big sister the other week. Never in a million years, would I ever imagine I would have a picture like this.

A picture of my new baby next to my first baby's grave. It's bittersweet to say the least for a couple of reasons. Other than the obvious, a year ago, I wasn't even sure I would even have the chance to have another baby and bring one home. Now I have one and he's wonderful in every way that I could possibly imagine. You can't really tell in the picture, but he was crying here. It was colder and we moved him from out of the warm car...or maybe it was just because he was moved! Hearing his sweet, little cry in 'Babyland' was heartwarming and heartbreaking. It was like he was crying for all the babies there and for his big sister too. This day, we also saw two new graves, not far from Alexandra. Two. Two more babies that had died. Two more families that had to face this horrible loss. I thought of those parents. I thought of their babies. I thought of how new their grief was and how much I remembered that pain. So very sad.

There will be many more visits like this with Joshua to visit his sister he will never get to know. I cannot wait for him to be able to put a flower next to her grave. And I cannot believe that THIS is what I look forward to with him. I will and do look forward to all of the other 'normal' milestones with him, but he's going to have a whole lot of 'new' milestones like visiting his sister's grave, laying a flower on her grave... I wish it didn't have to be this way and they could play with each other instead and do all the things normal brothers and sisters do, like fight and play and just be kids together. But if he has a chance to know her from her memory and what we can tell him of her, that's good enough for us all. Love you Alexandra. I hope you enjoyed your first visit with your little brother. I know that you watch over him every day though. I can tell. He's always looking. :-)