Almost perfect

It was almost perfect. I went to a two-year old's birthday party yesterday with my family. Everyone was there and everyone was happy. For so many months, I had imagined and wanted a moment like this, where everyone was getting along. There was no tension and my husband and I were holding our niece in our arms, without jealousy and without sadness. It was the perfect family moment....well, almost. While I was actually able to feel genuinely happy about holding my niece for the first time since she had been born, I was reminded throughout the day that someone was missing. We were incomplete. Alexandra should have been there too. I should have been passing her around like everyone else to hold. I should have been answering questions about how she was growing up instead of answering questions about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling with a brand new pregnancy. Everyone should have been looking at two new babies instead of just the one. There should have been three grandchildren there instead of just two. My SIL should have been able to hold her niece too. As perfect as it seemed, I knew in my heart that it wasn't quite perfect. It makes me sad to know that it will never ever be perfect again. Someone is always going to be missing and I'm always going to feel that sadness and sense of incompleteness. I cried for the first time in a long time for Alexandra after I got home. Nearly ten months later and my heart is still able to feel as if it's broken. My heart hasn't felt like that for a long time, but in some strange way, it was also comforting to know I still love my baby girl so very much and miss her so much, it hurts.