For the past nine months, I have told myself over and over again that yes, I am a Mom. I was pregnant. I had a baby and I gave birth to a baby...but all the normal Mom stuff seems to stop right there. I know I am a Mom. I would tell someone else that I am a Mom and I would slap someone across the face if they told me I wasn't, but lately...despite what I tell myself, I don't feel like one. Sometimes, the only time I actually feel like a Mom is when I go to the cemetary and actually see Alexandra's grave or when I actually do something for her (like the March for Babies). But I've been thinking of the day when I might actually have to take care of a baby (whether it's my niece or this future little one) and I realize I have no fuckin idea how to take care of a living baby. I feel prepared because I spent a good eight months getting ready for Alexandra. I have all the things I need. I have a crib. I have a carseat. I have diapers. I have clothes, bottles, pacifiers, towels, you name it! But as far as what to actually DO with all of those things... it all seems like a guessing game for when that time should come. And I hate that. I hate that I feel like I should already know all of this stuff. I should know what changing a diaper is like (I kind of already know that, thanks to my cousins, but that was years ago!). I should know how often you need to feed a baby. I should know how long a baby sleeps or how much sleep a baby needs. I should know what to do with babies when their not sleeping, eating or needing to be changed. But I don't.
Instead, I know how to read autopsy reports. I know how to choose a cemetary and pick out a burial plot. I know how to design headstones. I know how to decorate my daughter's grave because right now, that's the only thing I can do for my baby as a Mom. I know how to keep her memory alive. I know about every single babyloss cause there is to know out there. I guess those all aren't bad things, but they are all things I never actually asked for or thought I would imagine doing after she was born. I don't think any parent should know how to do anything like this for their child. It's not fair and it's not right. And if I could figure out a way to not let babies die, I would do it! No parent should ever have to bury a child...ever.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I didn't know how to be a mommy to a living baby either...and, have apologized to Cooper several times and promised to pay for therapy one day...But, you do figure it out and you'll be a great mommy to this little one, too :)
ReplyDeleteI absolutely know what you mean. I have felt those exact things. I have a whole nursery ready for a baby... but no idea what to actually do with a living one. I know what to do with non-living ones. :\ I feel like a doofus, especially since I still have contact with so many internet due-date friends. I see all of their babies growing and see them parenting and struggling... and I feel like the class dunce.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds cliche but you really do just figure it out. I remember bringing my daughter home from the hospital and being in shock that I was now actually in charge of a human being. I though how could they let me leave with this kid! But you just kind of naturally figure it out. And trust me people will give you lots of advice, most probably unwanted! You will learn what you are comfortable with and learn to follow your gut instinct.
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie...I am so sorry that you have to feel this way, and I have said stuff like this before, and the truth is, you are a MOMMY to Alexandra now...a good parent loves their babies and you love her so much...the rest is just instinct and those will kick in right away...I get annoyed when people think that 'with time' ill be able to hear about their baby times (the ones who gave birth around me) and the truth is I want to scream to them IM NOT LIKE YOU!!!! im a BLM...and even when I have a living child HERE on Earth, I still wont relate to them, because they dont know how to mother a child all the way to Heaven...that to me is way harder than a living child, i have raised plenty of kids in my life...and i am physically exhausted from 'raising' Alyssa...i wish my biggest problem was only being afraid of how to feed and change the diapers...I was like that before, now...it will be totally different...I dont know if I will EVER sleep when one comes home because ill be so scared *sigh*....thinking of you ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI have had similar thoughts. How can we not? I have no doubt that we will be great moms to our living children as well. xxx
ReplyDeleteWhat Antoinette said is so true, until you've raised a child till heaven they really don't know 100% what being a blm is like. Being a mom and caring for your baby is different for everyone what makes someone good at it is love and Maggie you already have that part down and the rest just comes to you.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
ReplyDeleteI agree in that its not fair and its not right and NO parent should have to suffer the loss of their child. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* to you.
ReplyDelete