I feel stuck. I don't know if it's laziness, lack of motivation or maybe just not knowing what else to say about all of this, but some days I just have nothing. I remember writing here the first few months. I always had something to say and every blog I follow was read every, single day. Now I'm so far behind, it's almost ridiculous and I can't help but feel somewhat guilty about it. I will get caught up one fine day, but just know I'm still out there, still reading when I can and most of all... I still care very much. :-)
I think the worst thing about this, other than the whole dead baby thing has been the family issues I have had, particularly with my SIL. It makes me so upset to know we were once best friends and it's hard for me to think that years ago, there wasn't one day that would go by without me talking to her. Now it has all changed and I find it hard to believe that this has been a reoccuring theme in this blog. If I had to pick a single event that impacted me the most, this would have to be it. And it's so frustrating and all I want to do is fix it. However, we're both so stubborn, I think we're both thinking, "I'm not caving...no apologies until she says something to me". At least I know that's what I'm thinking. If she only knew how sad this makes me all feel and if she only knew that I in no way "resented" her for having her baby. I wish people would understand that we're just very sad. We're not being selfish. We're not cutting them out. We're just sad and a little jealous that we're not them. I often imagine myself being so strong and being supportive of her and going to family events, asking to hold my new niece and scooping her up in my arms. The sad thing is that probably WOULD have been me if Alexandra was here. We would have given her clothes with no hesitation at all. I would have thrown her shower. I would be there all the time visiting and helping her out. But that one day I saw her last weekend, holding her baby and handing her off to other people did nothing but break my heart and made me realize I'm not all that ready yet. I don't know if it's just her or if it is seeing a baby. Either way, it hurt. I know I need to stop focusing on this and just focus on myself, this new little one, my family who does care and the friends I do have, but it's so hard. Ugh!
Looking For You
5 years ago
I can relate - this is so hard, I am a similar situation with my sister becuase we stopped speaking after Jack died. It is hard becuase she also has my only nephew - something I am sure you think about as well with your niece. I don't write as much but I read all the time as well.
ReplyDeleteMaggie,
ReplyDeleteYou ARE so open and honest with how you feel about her here and I know you don't want to "cave", but pride is a terrible thing to allow to get in the way of your relationship. Have you ever tried writing down these thoughts and sending them to her? You will no longer have the need to hold on to them. They will be said and you can move forward---with or without her. It will be her choice.
Lots of love to you and prayers, and always remembering Alexandra. xoxo
Don't worry about being behind on reading blogs. I am sure everyone understands. Sending you LOTS of LOVE!
ReplyDeleteAS I sat and read your post today, I realized how far behind I am too on reading blogs...but there are just weeks that are crazier than others...months even. We know that you are supporting all of us...as we are supporting you and whatever you choose to do about your SIL. Be careful with your feelings and always do what's best for you. I'm hoping that your SIL can be there for you in the end. *thinking about you*
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, if there is anything I can suggest to you its to transfer the energy. I know how awful you feel with every status update and with seeing the baby not because you SEE a baby, but you know you CANT see Alexandra. Losing your daughter is devastating and it would be imaginable for us to think she may have some sympathy for you and perhaps think how SHE would feel about losing her daughter. But maybe it is time to transfer the energy. tell your side and maybe she can tell hers. right now, being the 'better' person is not what this is about. it is just about taking AWAY the one added stress in your life. You know I did this, and you KNOW they all did not acknowledge my email. they NEVER responded or showed any care at all. But that gave me what I needed to let go of the 'what if i or what if they' thoughts and i was able to go back to thinking of ME, in the end that is all you should be concerned with is YOU!!! and my little jumping bean of course =D....and dont worry about my blog, i stalk you enough you always know what is going on ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteWhen a child dies, the parent is fragile and hurting for a very long time. It comes in waves of grief. Few understand this. This is when we (the griever) find out who our faithful friends are. Sometimes, due to a tragedy occurring, it will reveal shocking results. People you thought would be faithful, aren't, and then you find new friends who understand your pain only because they too have been where you are. It was a bitter sweet gift for me to find out who my friends were and who they weren't. I'd rather have one faithful friend, than several fair weathered friends. And that's what I have now due to my losses. I'd rather be lonely than be around someone who causes me more pain on top of already unbearable pain. I like to put my energy into those who love me and need me. Than waste it on someone who expects me to go back to who I was before my children died. If they loved me truly, they would not expect that of me, they would know that I was forever changed due to the deaths of my children. And if they don't know that, then they don't really know me. I learned this the hard way. But, after awhile, you see the gift in it all, but it still hurts just the same. Life is too short to try to figure out why people don't call anymore, or come by, etc. I focus on my living children, my husband, and making sure I am healthy to be there for them. I am sorry your SIL has caused you so much pain, sometimes it feels like the loss of friends weighs greater than the loss of our children. The day it felt like that to me, was the day, I decided the loss of my child was worse. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteIts definitely difficult when relationships that were once solid change. I do think that your SIL should apologize first. I am so tired of everyone thinking the grieving parent is being too sensitive. Yes we are, as we should. I'm in no way saying we have the right to treat others badly, just that we should have the right to hurt for however long without others being sensitive to that so much that they stop speaking to us based off our reactions. You are hurting in the worst possible way that any parent can and she should be more understanding of that whether you are being sensitive or not. You are not being selfish, it is hard to live with the grief, sometimes harder than others. Our grief is not rational at times, it is a LOT of hurt beyond imagination for those who have not experienced this.
ReplyDeleteI do feel that because we are changed that sometimes throws people off who have known us for so long. Some people do not do well with changes like that and so they unfortunately do not know how to react. Its very difficult to grieve and then have to work on relationships that were once solid before grief.