2010

There is something about the New Year that makes me stop and think. In some ways, I can't believe today is the last day of 2010. The year seemed like it would never end, but at the same time it seemed to end fairly quickly.  Here is my 2010 in a nutshell and what I hope to see for 2011. I kind of already did a New Year's post with that previous question and answer thing, but I'm off and I have the time, so here I am again. :-)

* as a warning, there may be triggers throughout this post

2010

- The year literally started out with a bang, in a bad way (at least at the time). I found out my SIL was pregnant. All I remember feeling when I heard the news was heartbroken and I literally felt like someone punched me in the gut one final time. I cried for hours. I refused to talk to my husband about it. I yelled, I screamed, I basically had a tantrum over the entire situation and to be honest, I think the whole ordeal was quite frightening for my husband. Jealousy, anger, frustration, sadness... you name it, I felt every single emotion there is, except happiness. That would come many months later. I'm pleased to say that having my  niece and being an Aunt makes me so happy now, but what an experience indeed. One of the many trials I had to overcome through the year.

- I had friends come and go, which was equally frustrating. Not only did I lose my baby, I lost some people that I thought were real friends, but in the end I came to realize they were not true friends after all. However, at the same time, through this blog and the friends that stuck by me in real life, I have made new ones and gotten closer than ever to some of the friends who have stayed. I'm thankful for every single one of them and if there is anything "positive" to take out of the whole thing, it would be the new friends and my friends who have stayed.

- I went back to work, which I feel is a huge accomplishment after having such a tragic thing happen. And on top of that, I managed to keep work and everything that was going on in my life separated. Looking at me, you would probably never guess my baby died, but I owe that to a lot of support I was given at work and also outside of work as well.

- For the first time ever, I participated in March for Babies, which was the first real thing I felt like I did for Alexandra. I almost didn't enter because I had a crazy notion that nobody would walk with me and I wouldn't raise any money. I was proven wrong. We had Team Alexandra Grace and we raised money which went well over my goal, thanks to a lot of fellow employees. I'm hoping to continue participating in this event in the coming years.

- Relationships were tested, both inside and outside of my family. I think this was one of the other harder things I had to cope with throughout this year. Nobody ever expects friendships to fade or crumble and when they do, it can be devastating, especially if it flows into your own family. The hurt and anger I felt for so many months was terrible and I'm glad it's all over, for the most part. It's something I definitely don't want to revisit and I'm glad to get rid of that negativity in my life.

- I started this blog, which I feel has become my "therapy". I'm not a people person and going to see some therapist who has never lost a child just seems ridiculous to me. I know it works for many others, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I'm lazy and getting me to talk to some stranger...good luck with that. Who knows, maybe if I did try, it would be great, but I think this blog is good enough for me. And I'm so glad I got the nerve to create one because I have met some fantastic people from it. This blog has helped me on many dark days.

- And lastly, I became pregnant with my rainbow. Pregnancy after loss is definitely one of the most challenging things I have ever faced. I have many days of doubt, anxiety, fear and hopelessness. However, with that I also have so much hope, love and excitement for Alexandra's little brother. I'm thankful for being able to get pregnant, after having doubt over that and I'm thankful we have this chance to try again.

The only thing I want for 2011 is to bring her baby brother home. Things are looking good so far, but that's a very big "so far". It frustrates me to no end, that this time during Alexandra's pregnancy, things "looked good" too and then look how that ended. Given that there's no real reason why it all ended does not help matters and only makes this journey more terrifying than it already is. However, I would like to start 2011 with a little more hope than I have had and try and be as positive as I can be. Easier said than done... I know. However, I'm doing everything I can to have a positive outcome and maybe that's all I really need to do. It's all I really can do at this point. So, hopefully 2011 will bring me an entire new year of exploring new possibilities, new milestones, and new moments. I only wish that Alexandra was here to share it all with. So, from me to you once again, wishing you a peaceful 2011. Let's go exploring and see what happens.