It only took one stupid, innocent picture to punch me in the gut and make me realize how much I still really miss Alexandra. The worst part was I didn't even see it coming. I suppose those moments will creep up on me when I least expect them, like last night.
We went to our first holiday gathering of the year. I was regretting it for a long time since I had not seen anyone since Alexandra's baby shower, so I wasn't really sure what to expect. Everything turned out to be fine though in the end. This year, I feel like we're almost obligated to attend Christmas since last year we didn't participate at all. I was still recovering and it was still too soon to "celebrate". But this year I feel like everyone "expects" us to be there since it has been an entire year, and that in itself kind of annoys me, but so far I'm sucking it up, putting on a friendly face and spreading some Christmas cheer. Yay me.
Last night everyone was taking pictures and then, it was time for the "kids' picture" and I nearly lost it. All of a sudden it hit me that Alexandra should have been in that picture with all the other kids and my new niece. There should have been two babies in that picture. Two little girls. I should have been happy and smiling, but instead I was doing everything I could not to burst into tears and make some dramatic scene in the middle of some innocent kids picture. I managed to get through it fine, but I couldn't believe how hard it hit me not to see Alexandra in that picture. I wonder if anyone even thought that besides me. I seriously doubt it. Ugh... just another harsh reminder of who is missing and who should be here. We miss you Alexandra and as far as I'm concerned, you're in every picture of us, even if you aren't physically here. :-)
Looking For You
5 years ago
i keep having those moments too. i think the holidays are ripe for reasons to cry. much love to you!
ReplyDeleteliz
omg =***************((( this made ME cry for you...I wish she was there, in that photo, with the babies. I dont understand why this is the way it is. You always have me to talk to remember that...(((hugs))) I have no magic words for you, this is just so hard. one of the main reasons why i cant be around my nieces for xmas. even though they are not infants, there is one little girl 'missing' from the pictures
ReplyDeleteThis sucks! I have these moments too! Last year I stayed at work so I didn't have to see my family. I couldn't deal with it so I spent the holidays by myself. This year I'm going to try. My family is pretty good about it, and I love my niece to pieces. My mom told me a story the other day about last Christmas when my brother came over one day during the holidays and just started crying about how it was so unfair that there was only going to be one baby there that christmas (his). I know that even though they don't say anything that they still think about him, and that makes me feel a little better! xoxo big hugs! And I think you're an amazing woman for going in the first place!
ReplyDeleteTears mama... No words. I just understand <\3
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are comeing from. I HATE those moments. Hugs and prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie, it is so hard knowing what should be and hoping that, as sad as it is, others may feel your loss and Alexandra's absence along with you.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was a way that we could always incorporate our little babes into every picture and every memory. Yes, they are always with us in our hearts but it would be great to have them present in some way and to have others acknowledge them as such.
Much love to you.
xo
It sucks it only takes just one moment. What sucks even more is that every picture there will always be one missing. :(
ReplyDelete((hugs)). that super sucks. it feels like getting punched in the gut, for sure. yes, she is in every picture of you - you carry her in your heart.
ReplyDelete