Looking For You
5 years ago
January 21, 2010
Being Strong
I have heard so many people tell me that I'm strong. Sometimes I don't know what to think about this. I don't want to be strong. I never asked to be strong. The only reason I'm strong is because my daughter died and I had to bury her before she even had a chance to live. I don't want to be strong because of that. I don't feel strong. Most days, I feel like my heart is in a million tiny pieces every day and I'm just surviving. How is that being strong? I want to be the old weak me that I was before, when I was pregnant and happy and full of hope. Every day brought me one day closer to having Alexandra and it was good. I want that innocence back. Who am I kidding? All I really want is my baby back.
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Unfortunately, we can't really share how we feel can we? Most people wouldn't know how to handle our honesty if we told them how we really feel on a day to day basis. Its just so much easier to tell everyone that we're do "fine" or "the best we can"...
ReplyDeleteI remember people telling me how strong I was when I first returned to work after losing Lily. Little did they know that I had just cried for 10 minutes in the ladies room.
I know you want your baby back. I cried tears this morning for my baby girl and she has been gone for 17 months. You'll always want her back...((hugs))
I don't feel strong either and I think we'll forever be aware of the lack of innocence now. I want my Lyra back too. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteI don't feel strong either, and I don't want to - but I guess just the fact that we are slowly making our way through this makes us strong. I never thought I could do it, but by just getting up I guess we are.
ReplyDeleteWe both had a really hard time with this, but it hit my husband especially hard. This was one of the constants in the things that he chose to verbally express in the weeks after Gracie's death. At least two or three times a week he would look at me and say 'You know, I really wish people would quit commenting about how strong we are. It really has nothing to do with strength.' Neither of us felt strong, and to be honest, we still don't. But we have made it almost 6 months without our first born, and we are still standing.
ReplyDeleteIt's not really about strength - it's about the fact that the sun rises and sets each day whether or not we want it too. It's about the fact that wearing our baby loss hearts on our sleeves brings so much 'alternative' attention and so many undesirable conversations that it's not worth it. It's about the fact that people just don't understand; they don't get it unless they have been there. It's a lonely place sometimes, but that's why you are here - you are here for the support of the rest of us in the baby loss blogosphere because we understand.
Hugs to you....
I hate being called strong as well. I don't feel strong, I feel like I have no choice.
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