My pregnancy and the day everything changed

I had a pretty uneventful pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant on April 27, 2009. I couldn't believe it. When I took the test, I was expecting it to be negative. Then it turned to positive immediately and I was stunned! What?! So of course I had to take another test after that one...then another just to be sure. There it was, right before me, "pregnant".  At my first appointment it was confirmed that I was 7 weeks pregnant and due December 20, 2009. We even heard and saw a heartbeat! I remember it feeling a little surreal after receiving an actual due date. Wow, in December we're going to have a baby. A baby! Get ready!

At 9 weeks I started spotting and this is when I started to worry about something going wrong. I went to my doctor's and she said it was normal. I had a "sensitive cervix" and it was everything just making room for the baby. We had an ultrasound and everything was fine. There was a heartbeat and the baby was even moving around bouncing all over the place. Too early for me to feel anything, but she was moving. Everything was okay. I could relax, but I didn't. The bleeding really worried me, even if it was supposed to be normal. I remember laying on the couch, crying and telling my husband I had a "bad feeling about this". I eventually stopped spotting. It only lasted a few days. If I can remember anything about the entire pregnancy, it was a lot of worry. After every appointment I was always thinking... 'okay, just have to get to the next appointment'. I just have to get to the next month.... everything is going well. I'm a worrier anyway, so I'm sure reading books about pregnancy and reading the things that could go wrong never helped.  After 13 weeks I was able to relax, just a little bit. That is supposedly the end of the "danger zone" and there is a less chance of miscarrying. I also remember reading if there was a heartbeat at 7 weeks, there is a 97% chance that the baby will be born healthy. 97% huh? Stupid statistics.

Around 12 or 13 weeks, one of my friends had rented a baby doppler to listen to the heartbeat. She was due about a week before me. I thought that was a great, fun idea! I could listen to the heartbeat whenever I wanted and it would also put my mind at ease in between doctor visits. So I rented one. This became my routine. I would listen to my baby's heartbeat at least once a day. At first it sounded like a 'whoosh whoosh' sound and sometimes it sounded like a horse. Then as I got further along, for some reason I had to listen to her twice, once before I went to work and once after I got home. Just to know she was there and doing okay. Now I'm beginning to think, did I listen too much? Did the doppler have some weird, crazy effect on her? Was it bad?

The rest of my pregnancy was fine. I had the usual aches and pains, but nothing that I thought was out of the ordinary. All my appointments, I was in and out within a matter of minutes. Everything was okay and going well.

Then this weekend came. It started out okay. Thursday, November 12th I had finished my last childbirth class. The car seat was in the car ready to go. We had taken all of the classes. I was ready for labor. The last class was infant care. I remember feeling a little afraid. It was starting to feel real now. I was going to have a baby in a matter of weeks. Were we ready for this?! Can I do this?

That Friday, my work threw me a surprise baby shower! Little did I know, it was also going to be my last day of work. I had not even worked a full day then. I left early to go see the daycare at my husband's work. We were taking a tour. So exciting! The weekend was just spent doing everything baby. Washing baby clothes, folding clothes and putting them away, getting everything ready for Alexandra.

Sunday was the day I reached the 35 week mark. It was a relief to me. 35 weeks. Only a few more weeks to go. If she was born early, then she had good chances of surviving. She might be a little small, but she could survive. I was going to start packing the suitcase for the hospital this week. It was one of the last things I needed to do, which I put off because I almost felt like I was jinxing myself if I packed any earlier. How crazy is that? I was definitely not one of the pregnant women out there who did nothing but look forward to their baby being born. I was always afraid something was going to go wrong.

Then that night, I got up to go to the bathroom like I had been for the past few weeks. I would get up at least three times a night. I got up at 1:00 a.m. and she was moving. Then I got up again at 5:00 a.m. and when I went back to bed, I felt her move. I always would poke her whenever I got up just to be sure she was still moving and to say hello. This time when I did, it was a little nudge and I relaxed and went back to sleep. Then I got up at 7:00 a.m. for work. Something was different. I couldn't feel her move and every morning, I would always wait and see if I could feel her move. Once she moved I was satisfied and it was time to get up for work! But that day, I couldn't feel her. I was thinking, 'Come on Alexandra, move for Mommy and we can go to work'. But nothing. Weird, but I have to go to work. It's time to get up. Then in the shower I noticed she wasn't moving either. She always moved then. I would watch my stomach move like crazy. It was so weird! That day, nothing. I remember poking my stomach and asking, 'Are you awake in there? Wake up.' I know babies have their sleep periods and towards the end, they start to run out of room so I really didn't think anything of it.

After my shower, I started to make some breakfast and it was time to listen to her heartbeat (my morning routine). That day, I pulled out the doppler, felt around and there was nothing but static. Was my worst nightmare coming true? I remember in the back of my mind, every time I listened I would think, 'imagine if one day you do this and get nothing... how terrible that would be?' Who thinks that? Who in their right mind would even think of that?!  (Too much Grey's Anatomy and ER!) I asked, 'Where are you Alexandra?' It was taking forever to find her. 10 minutes and still no heartbeat. Now I was getting worried. My husband was up and asked if I could find it. Nope, nothing. This was weird. All throughout the pregnancy I was always able to find it within a matter of seconds. Never this long. Something was wrong. My husband said she was probably just turned in a different spot or maybe it was the battery in the doppler. My husband knelt down and asked, 'Alexandra... are you awake? Sweetie?' Nothing. No movement either.

I was getting really worried so we decided to call my doctor. I started crying. I knew something was wrong. This wasn't right. My doctor told me to eat something and call her back, but I insisted on coming in. I told her I already had and I still had not felt her move. We left for the doctor right away. I remember just hoping and thinking, 'Please, let everything be okay. Maybe she's just in a weird place. It will be okay.' I even
e-mailed my work to let them know I was going to be "in late" that day. I thought we would go and everything would be alright and I could go back to work.

When we got to my doctor's, the nurse listened with a stethoscope. My doctor then came in and tried with her doppler. Then she said sometimes babies are positioned funny and she would bring in an ultrasound. Now I was really scared. She brought in the ultrasound and I could see her face. She was looking and looking for the heartbeat. Then after a little while, she stopped and looked at me and said, "I'm sorry, I don't see a heartbeat."

Oh my God. What now?