Real World

The last couple of weeks have been the first time I have been out in the real world since I had Alexandra. November and December were months to recover and the only time I was really out was if I was at my parents house or the cemetary. So, I've been out to eat a few times and I'm just going to say it's a really bizarre feeling. I don't know how else to describe it. Losing Alexandra has not been my first significant loss, so I know what it feels like. I know people's lives move on and businesses open and close like they always have. It's just that with all my other losses, it was sad and it was hard, but eventually I started to feel better. I'll just say the acceptance of it all was easier. With Alexandra, it's like my world as I know it has stopped, but life continues to move forward around me.  People go about their daily business. If I'm sitting in a restaurant, I'm so tempted to walk up to someone who is eating their dinner and I want to ask them, 'Hey, do you want to hear about the story of me and my dead baby?' For whatever reason, I feel like everybody needs to know about this great tragedy.

Every so often I think about how this has changed me. Sometimes I absolutely hate the person I have become. I find myself envying innocent pregnant women who I barely know.  I'm so jealous that they have something to look forward to. I'm jealous of their carefree attitude and jealous of the fact that they most likely will be able to see a healthy, living baby in a few months. Most likely? My innocence is clearly gone. Now I cannot help but think, 'you know.... I wouldn't get too excited about that, shit happens and then all your left with is a box and a necklace around your neck with your baby's ring on it'. How terrible is that? What kind of sick person thinks that? I know. A person whose baby has just died.  But who am I to talk? Maybe that person is having their rainbow baby. You just never know, which of course just makes me feel even worse. How can I think those terrible thoughts when I don't even know what that person has gone through?

I also find myself to have very little empathy about other people's problems.  I remember New Years Eve being terrible. I would go on Facebook and everyone would be complaining about how 2009 for them just sucked. Oh really? Well, if you want to hear something that sucks, let me tell you something. It was like I didn't care and to be quite honest I don't. I don't care if you lost a digital camera with precious memories on it that you can never have back. At least you have your daughter with you here. You can make more memories. All I have are a few pictures, clothes and locks of her hair.  That's it. What it comes down to is if you didn't lose a baby, then I don't want to hear it.  Their problems seem to be very trivial to me and I absolutely cannot stand that. I cannot believe this is the person I have become. It makes me feel so selfish and so uncaring. I just hate that.

I also hate the fact people are constantly tip toeing around me because I'm some freak whose baby died. Oh, you're pregnant? Don't tell her because her baby just died! You're going to a baby shower? Don't tell her about it, it might upset her and make her cry. If it is anything baby related, people just don't seem to know how to react around me! I find it to be very ridiculous and the mere fact that I know people are keeping things from me because their afraid of how I'm going to react just pisses me off. I hate that this is how my life is now. I hate that people are afraid to talk to me because they don't know what is going to set me off. I just hate it.

Wow, I was going to try and make this into a somewhat positive post today, but that didn't happen. There's always tomorrow. :)