I Wish

Looking back at my pregnancy, I wish I would have enjoyed it a little bit more. Don't get me wrong, I loved feeling her kicks and turns and listening to her heartbeat. I loved that. It's just that I never knew how much I wanted her until I lost her. I never knew how much I wanted to be a Mom and care for a newborn baby until she was gone. Now, all I want to do is be pregnant again and have a baby to care for. I'm ready, so very ready. At the same time, I'm also terrified of this happening again, so the next time, or better yet, IF I get pregnant again, I will be terrified. I worried a lot then? Now how much will I worry? I'm prepared to spend a full nine months in a hospital if that is what it takes to have a living baby! I know that's ridiculous, but if I could do that, I would.

I feel like sometimes we kind of just dove into this whole pregnancy thing.  We had a 'let's see what happens' kind of attitude. When we did get pregnant, it was exciting. But I have to admit I was scared. I didn't know if I was ready to be a parent. I didn't know if I was ready for the sacrifices we would have to make. I didn't know if I was ready to change my life completely for this new little baby. We have three cats, who are adored and I admit that I was actually a little worried that I would not be able to pay as much attention to them once a new baby was in the house. I was promising myself that no matter what, I would still love my kitties and be with them just as much as I do now once Alexandra was born.

During those last few months, I was feeling so uncomfortable and so tired and so very sick of just being pregnant. I had it! I wanted the baby to be born. I couldn't wait for December to come. I was looking forward to not being pregnant anymore. I was looking forward to not worrying every single day about something going wrong. I wanted to be myself again.  I can't tell you how afraid I was just driving to and from work every day. I was always afraid of getting into some terrible accident and losing the baby. That was one of my biggest fears. The worry was killing me. I just wanted to not be pregnant so I could stop worrying (of course once you are a parent, you never truly stop worrying about your children). I just wanted a healthy baby.

Now, I would give anything to feel that way again. When I go on Facebook and see the friends that had babies around the same time I was supposed to have Alexandra, it just depresses me. Really?? You are complaining about your baby screaming her head off for the last five hours? I would give anything to have that in my house right now. I want to change dirty diapers. I want to worry about having to bundle up a bunch of kids and take them out to the store. I want to be up all night feeding my baby. I just hope they realize how lucky they really are. You never really know how much you want something until it's gone.