Saying Goodbye

Leaving the hospital was a lot harder than I thought.  All of a sudden I realized I was leaving with empty arms. Instead of our little girl, I was holding a box.  It contained the clothes she was wearing, her little cap, her pictures, a ring, and locks of her hair.  This was not the happy going home moment I had imagined for the last few months.

We made arrangements to have Alexandra buried in a cemetary close to where both of our parents live. I cannot even imagine how hard this was for my husband. He had done all of the arrangements while I was in the hospital. We decided to have her buried with the other babies. The cemetary actually has a place called 'babyland'.  Babyland. Babies should not die and it breaks my heart to know there is actually a specific place in the cemetary for babies to be buried. It's not right.

The next week was when we had Alexandra buried. We had a small, graveside service for her with just our immediate family. I couldn't deal with seeing the rest of our family and friends at that time.  I knew everybody was hurting for us and wanted to support us, but facing so many people seemed too hard.  The one thing I remember the most is how cold it was at the beginning of the service. My husband gave me his coat and by the end of the service when we were headed back to my parents, all the cold air had gone. The sun had come out and warmed up a little bit. I like to think it was Alexandra.