The rest of the day when everything changed

Even though I kind of already knew something was terribly wrong, I was still hoping my doctor would have seen a heartbeat on the ultrasound and everything was going to be okay. When she told me she could not find one, I couldn't believe it. She had been moving just a few hours earlier that morning! How could this be? What happened? What went wrong? I remember saying, "No, no, no..." and was crying and was asking what happened. My husband and I were holding each other. This wasn't real.

After giving us a few minutes, my doctor came back and explained to us we had a couple of options. We could either have a c-section or be induced. She told me sometimes people did not like to have a c-section done because the scar reminded them of what happened. At the time, all I wanted was for the baby to be out. I had something dead in me. My baby was dead. I had just taken weeks of childbirth classes to prepare myself for labor, but to go through hours of labor only to hear silence afterward? It was too much. We decided to have a c-section, which I now somewhat regret. Everything happened so fast though and at the time, a c-section seemed to be the right decision.

We were told to go directly to the hospital to have an ultrasound to confirm there was no heartbeat. On the way there, my husband called both of our parents. I couldn't call anyone. I didn't even want to see anyone. I remember him calling and just saying, "We lost the baby, come to the hospital right away." We lost the baby. How could we have lost the baby? She was with us a few hours ago.

When we got to the hospital, the lady at the ultrasound desk was rude and kept asking me if I had an appointment. All I had was an order with the word "STAT" written on it. Wasn't that enough?! How can you not see that lady? My baby is dead and I need that confirmed! Don't give me this bullshit! She finally realized what it said after I told her we were supposed to be seen immediately.  All of this was not happening.

Once we had the ultrasound, it was confirmed there was no heartbeat. She looked so still on the screen compared to a few months ago when she was moving, turning, and flipping. At one time she even looked like she was waving to us during the ultrasound. She was so full of life and now she was so still.

We were taken into the hospital afterwards and I was prepped for surgery. Due to the circumstances, I was going to be given a general anesthetic. The anesthesiologist came in to talk to me and mentioned he had personal experience with this happening to him and was very sorry. I would hear this mentioned at least a few more times. So, this kind of things happens to people all the time? Why does nobody talk about it? Why? I asked if I could see her afterward. For some reason, I thought they were just going to take her away and not let us see her. I wanted to make sure we could see our daughter.

Everything happened so fast. My husband and I left for my doctors around 9:00 a.m. that morning. Within a matter of hours, I was admitted into the hospital and at 12:51 p.m., Alexandra Grace was born. She was 5 lbs. 2 oz., 17 in. long.

I barely remember anything after the c-section. I remember waking up and feeling a lot of pain and feeling very empty. I wished it was a nightmare, but it was real. We had to decide whether or not an autopsy should be performed and we had to start making funeral arrangements. Really? How and why are we doing this? We decided to have an autopsy done so we could hopefully find out an answer as to what went wrong.

I remember everyone kept asking me if I wanted to see her. I did want to see her, but not then. I was too tired. I kept falling asleep because of the morphine. I was afraid too. I didn't know what it was going to be like. I barely knew what to expect after having a baby who was living, let alone one that had already died.  Eventually though, I agreed to see her because in a few hours she was going to have to be transported to another hospital for the autopsy. When my husband gave her to me, she was perfect.  She had all ten fingers and toes and was a good size. She had lots of hair and she felt so soft and delicate. She had my nose. What went wrong? Why was she taken from us when she looked so perfect? We held her and had pictures taken with her. It felt so right and so wrong all at the same time. A priest came in and blessed her and we had a small service for her right in the hospital room.

Looking back, I wish we had spent more time with her. One reason I wish I had not had the c-section was because maybe we would have had more time with her then. There would not have been that time of not having her in the room. I wish I would have said I loved her or maybe I did. I really don't remember what I did or did not say. I just wish we had a longer time with her. I wish we could have had her a lifetime instead of just an hour or so.

This was not how it was supposed to be. Babies are not supposed to die. Parents are not supposed to bury their own children. It's unnatural. How could we ever get through this?