Looking For You
5 years ago
January 24, 2010
Not Bored
I have been off work for a good couple of months now. November and December were spent recovering from my c-section, so I never went anywhere. I'm just now starting to get out of the house and be in public. Someone told me the other day that they would be so bored if they were home every day like me. Well, guess what, I'm not bored. I like being safe at home in my little cocoon away from the real world. There are no possible triggers that can hurt me here. I don't have to worry about seeing pregnant women, babies, baby stuff, people asking me about my baby if they knew me, pregnant women, little girls and oh, did I mention pregnant women? I'm so tired of feeling jealous and angry towards people I don't even know. So, yes, I like being home. I'm safe here and I'm anything, but bored. After Alexandra died, I bought every book I could think of covering stillbirth and grief. Reading was comforting to me and it helped to know I wasn't the only one going through this. Then when I finished reading those, I found these blogs and read those all day. So, no I'm not bored. I spend the majority of my day looking at message boards about grief and loss, reading dead baby stories, meeting dead baby mamas and because of that I feel a little better and a little less alone. I'm definitely NOT bored.
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I totally get this. When I was off work after Zoelle died, it was such a comfort zone for me to be home. It was my safe haven from the world...the world that most certainly doesn't know what to say to us with babies who have died. I cocooned away for several months, and it's okay...it's normal. And trust me, like you I was most certainly not bored. My heart was too broken to broken for my body to be bored. It's so important to be gentle on yourself and surround yourself with those who are gentle on you. I am deeply sorry for the loss of you little girl, Alexandra. Sometimes I am in shock it's been a year since our baby died. The first year is difficult, but know there are others who know your pain and we are here to share in your sorrow, pain and ups and downs. Thank you for the comment on my blog. Hugs to you, Kate
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are saying. I too stayed home for a while and I was never bored. I was obsessed with reading other people's stories and I couldn't stop reading blogs and books. I am back to work and in the real world now, but I would have stayed home longer if I could have. I feel that home is safe just like you do.
ReplyDeleteIts amazing how we can remain busy in this community. We are always ready to read and read and to me its like catching up with a friend. Granted not in the typical fashion, but these are friends who get me and understand what I have been through. Its a lot easier spending time catching up with them then going over to someone's house with a pregnant belly hearing everyone talk about their pregnancy. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean - every morning I decide how I can make the day go by quickly and the easiest thing to do is to stay home for sure. It is so much easier, so much warmer and so much safer! It feels a bit odd to say but I do feel less alone at home.
ReplyDeleteI stay home still (just over three months). When I do occasionally ask people, they ask me what I've been up to like I'm on holiday or something. I'm not bored either and it feels much safer.
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