I thought I could...and then I couldn't.

Last weekend, I had an opportunity to go to a family picnic for my husband's side. It would have been the first time seeing people since losing Alexandra. I had plans to go, see people I haven't seen for a real long time, be supportive of my husband and suck it up and ignore the one person I did not want to see at all. I was going to act like I didn't care about her at all and ignore her completely. But then all of a sudden, all I could see was her being a new Mom to her newborn baby girl. All I could imagine was everyone oohing and ahhing over this darling little girl. I imagined her being passed around from person to person because every person just had to hold the new baby. I imagined people asking my SIL how old she was, what she could do now, how she enjoyed being a new mother and everything else. And finally, I imagined me crying the entire time and just making a terrible scene and having to leave. So, I didn't go and it really pissed me off and made me sad all at the same time. Angry because I couldn't make myself go and because in some way I'm almost letting "her" control where I go and who I see. Basically right now, it's if she's there, I don't want to see her. I was thinking I just didn't want to see her because I was so angry and upset with her. I completely forgot about how it would be to see her as a new mother with her new baby and that was all I had to think of to decide against going. That should have been us. We should have both been able to go and show Alexandra to everyone. We should have both been there with our new babies. It shouldn't have been all awkward. I should not have had to have any question of going there or not in the first place. There should not be this drama. Now in another two weeks, I get to decide if I want to go to another picnic. It's not looking good. I know I can't keep hiding from her and I can't keep avoiding this family because sooner or later, people are going to get hurt... but what about all this hurt we've had to deal with for the past eight months...and are still dealing with? I wish people could remember, hey guess what? We're hurting too. We're hurting every, single day.