Looking For You
5 years ago
July 7, 2010
Just to make it clear
I have to admit that whenever someone asks me if I'm "depressed" or assumes I am "depressed", I have to laugh. Depression is a tricky subject when it comes to babyloss. I don't know how many times I've gone to doctors and had no idea what to say when asked, "Do you suffer from depression?" Hmm... let me think about that. I carried my baby for nearly nine months only to have her taken away from me in one day and to find out that she had died for no reason. I spent nine months waiting and hoping for her arrival. I devoted all my time to preparing for her, getting excited, buying things... only to have all of that be for nothing!! I now have an empty nursery full of baby supplies, clothes, furniture just waiting to be used. Am I a little depressed about that? Yes. Is the fact that my daughter died depressing? Yes! Do I still feel sad and heartbroken over her death? Of course! And I will for the rest of my life. Despite feeling somewhat depressed about all of those things, I am not "depressed". I get up every day. I go to work every day. I go out with my friends. I laugh. I watch movies. I sing. I play games. Looking at me, you would never guess that I had a baby who died seven months ago. Yet somehow, people have managed to create this idea of me, shutting myself away from everyone, not getting up every day, not going to work, too depressed to DO things. What is that about? They don't see me, so why feel the need to judge how I am? If I had a choice to not get up every day, I might do that, but I don't because what kind of life is that? The weeks after we lost Alexandra, I was still getting up every day. That's one thing my husband made me do. Because of him, I got up, showered, dressed, ate and did normal things. A lot of the reason I am the way I am today is because of him. So, no, I am not depressed. I'm not sure if it's the amount of time that has gone by or what, but for the first time in a really long time, I feel better than I have (and it has absolutely nothing to do with this new pregnancy either). Alexandra must be pretty happy now too because I can certainly feel it!
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I feel the same way! We are on the same time line too as to when our losses took place. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteI just came across your blog from Laura's site, and I have to say that I feel the same way. I lost Amelia in March, and I have had to keep going (living life, with other children in the house). However, I keep getting the feeling that even my family thought that I was moving towards depression. How is it that it isn't alright in our society to grieve...people are so darn uncomfortable with death, that they are quick to put a label on it. Like Depression and Grief are even in the same league. Being a former counselor, I know there is a huge difference...I just wish it was alright to grieve our babies and still not be shunned, labeled, or avoided. It's not like loosing a baby is contagious.
ReplyDeleteThe line between grief and depression is a tricky one. I've talked to my doctor about it a few times. When I was still isolating myself, crying all the time, and unable to face a lot of things after 6 months they started to question whether it was depression. Since then things have improved but if they hadn't I was going to consider anti-depressents to see if they made a difference.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately people don't seem to realise that grief isn't something that goes away in two weeks.
you tell those people to read my blog, they'll see depressed lol...this week in national mental health week, maybe someone wanted to give you a little insight...how about MIND YOUR BUSINESS....i look up to EVERYTHING you do everyday...and I you remember it was YOU that got me outta my house for the first time, and to lil anthony's baseball game that week etc....I have learned SO MUCH just from you, so if you are depressed than wtf am I??
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this as well, I am living my life and I know that I am doing well - and I have doctors that have told me I am doing well but it just seems like well and better are two different things in some people's mind. They just can't wrap their head around grief and what this experience that we have gone through is like. The sad thing is they don't even try.
ReplyDeleteI was depressed. I couldn't do laundry, go out of my house, barely mustered the energy to take a shower every other day. THAT is what depression does to people. I've struggled with mild depression a few different times in my life AND it is a part of the grieving process. BUT that doesn't mean everyone has to go through that "stage" as they call it.I hate it when people assume things, especially those who don't even try to understand where we babyloss moms are coming from!
ReplyDeleteI think you are coping well, Maggie.
Glad you are doing so well right now(and I have said the same thing,"it has nothing to do with a new pregnancy.")
I get what you're saying. I've had people make assumptions of how I'm doing that have been totally off IMO. I think I'm doing good but they think I'm not. Whatever!!
ReplyDeletei am so glad you are feeling so positive, and able to have (the word we all hate) "normal" moments and days. i have struggled with depression in the past, and i look now at the issues i was dealing with then and think that was nothing compared to losing my first child! and yet i have surprised myself since losing kenny. i, too, am NOT depressed. of course i have good days and bad days, but i am able to function and even enjoy life, and perhaps most importantly, i have hope (with a good dose of fear, but hope, just the same) for the future.
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