I can't believe a year ago, I was pregnant and already wondering about what my baby would look like. I don't think I knew I was having a girl yet this time last year. That would have been later in July. But, like all new moms-to-be, I was wondering about everything. I was looking forward to showing her off the next 4th of July.
Now, it's a year later and I find myself in the midst of a huge family feud which was brought on because of the loss of my daughter. For all I know, this "family feud" is all imagined on my part. I'm sure the other parties involved are clueless about the fact that I never want to see them again or really do not care what I think. But in my head, it's all I'm thinking about. And really, it's just TWO people! I hate that I have to have a screening process before every family event, no matter how big or small it is. I hate that I'm constantly asking my husband, 'okay, who is going to be there, so I can decide if I want to go or not?' I hate that every time I go to my in-law's house, I feel on edge because I'm afraid "she" is going to drop by unannounced and I'll have no choice, but to run. I'm hating this and all I want to do is fix it and make it at least a little bit tolerable. I know I can't run forever. Sooner or later the holidays are going to sneak up again and then what? I can't really run from that for the second year in a row, or can I? How many holidays/family events are you allowed to not participate in after you have a dead baby? Ugh. The very fact that I'm actually wondering that just disgusts me and I wish it could get better.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I think it sucks that some people just don't get it! I know that there are some people I've avoided and had to cut out of my life because they just wern't supportive! I think you should take as much time as you need... there is no time line that says where you have to be "ready" or whatever it is. I still think your amazing! And I'm pretty sure the rest of your followers on here second that! Keep your chin up! xoxo
ReplyDeleteMaggie...YOUR family is you and Mark Alexandra and jumping bean, as long as you guys are together on a holiday...its a perfect one for me =) As for this 4th of july =*****( big tears for all of us...I feel like all of these dates and reminders just makes me feel more sad....i miss her so much this weekend and as of this coming Monday I will have been pregnant this time last year and every day after that will remind me of where I am too...im so so so sorry you have to worry about those assholes...DONT WORRY...jumping bean doesnt like it..I dont like it...and they are so dumb they probably dont even realize it....and if they do WHO CARES...do you honestly want to stress over them?? NO...if dealing with them will lesson your stress than deal with them, but remember only YOU can control this...and YES you are controlling it, you are not scoping out the crowd when you are finding out if they are there, you are AVOIDING conflict and hurtful words...i am behind you...what ever you decide...xoxoxo....Happy first forth of July in Heave Alexandra!!!
ReplyDeleteFamily drama blows. Especially under these circumstances. The good news is that the minute you entered the BLM blogosphere, you extended your family. I try to constantly remind myself that even our immediate family still *really* doesn't *get* it. As much as they want to, there is no way for them to relate. As much as I know that, it's still so frustrating.... Big hugs...
ReplyDeleteyou can run as long as you need to. i am avoiding certain family members also- when i can handle them i will- not a moment sooner.
ReplyDeleteMaggie, hello my name is Elainna. I lost my daughter in January at 36 weeks. I began reading your blog (hope you don't mind). I completely relate to the family drama. My in-laws have not been supportive and my SIL has somehow made by daughter's death all about herself and what she is going through. I don't understand people, but it's helpful to know others are going through similar situations.
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