Number of pity looks received: 5
Number of times I held back tears seeing two flower girls walk down an aisle: 2
Number of "how are YOU doings?"... "nice to see you out doing things"... "good to see you up and about" ... "good lucks": too many
Number of times I wanted to kill myself every time I heard someone talk about THEIR 2 yr. old and what she was doing now: 3
Number of times I wanted to kill somebody who uttered "and you're not even showing yet!": 3
Number of times I cringed when anything baby related came up,whether it was about me or people trying to get pregnant or who were: 6
Number of times I thought to myself, "please don't ask me if this is my first": 5
Number of times I felt a stab in the heart after hearing someone say something about naming our "first" child: 1 (in his defense, he had no clue about Alexandra)
Number of times I thought about how I will never get to see Alexandra in her own wedding: too many
The realization that I thought about any of this at all... not priceless at all.
* Don't get me wrong, I was actually able to enjoy myself at a wedding. It was the first time people saw us since Alexandra, but damn... I wish we could have fully enjoyed ourselves and not gotten sad anytime we saw some cute little flower girl. I wish we could have been carefree and had the comfort in knowing we would be coming home to Alexandra real soon. I wish we could have shown off some baby pictures to everyone. Sometimes I just cannot believe this is how we live our lives every day. It just doesn't seem real.
Looking For You
5 years ago
(((HUG))))
ReplyDeleteit's horrible how this experience taints all the "normal" and usually joyful moments of life. i wonder if it will always be felt this intensely...
ReplyDelete(((((((hugs)))))))) I dont have anything much more to say than that =(
ReplyDeleteIt sucks...the whole thing SUCKS!!!
Good for you for even going! It just shows what an amazing woman you are! xoxo
ReplyDelete(((((((hugs))))))
ReplyDeleteIt seems unreal to me too. People think we are acting normal, when we are really comparing everything to how things should have been right now, had our babies lives.
My heart aches just reading about the interactions you had at the wedding. Being without our babies makes normally enjoyable events so incredibly painful. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteOh, sweetie...you were so strong to even go, and then to deal with all of those different situations. You are so strong! Stay strong...and always remember that there are people around you who understand.
ReplyDeletelifes a total bitch sometimes Maggie. *hugs*
ReplyDeletei have very recently had the "is this your first?" issue come up... it breaks my heart every time..
xx
*hugs* I have definitely felt this way. It is difficult to not think this way during events and being surrounded by a world where babies are born everyday is very hurtful at time. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
ReplyDelete