Don't worry, be happy.

I'm not sure what or how I'm feeling lately. Nothing new to say and nothing has really changed and I'm not quite sure if that's a good or a bad thing. So, maybe I'm confused more than anything. :-)  I'm not crying every night like I was after Alexandra was first born. I no longer stare into space just sitting wondering what the hell went wrong. I'm getting up and going about  my every day life just as before. I guess in some ways, you could probably say I'm doing pretty great considering the circumstances. But I cannot help but feel this void every day. Every morning I know Alexandra isn't here with me and every time I think that, I just feel like sinking. How can something you waited for so very long disappear so very fast? It's March already. We are already three months into the new year. That's an entire trimester in pregnancy language! I remember those. Trimesters took forever to get through! Every week seemed like an eternity. Months seemed even longer. Now three months seem to pass by at lightning speed and each day I get ever so closer to becoming an Aunt, which of course just makes me feel depressed. I cannot even think about it without these overwhelming feelings of sadness and jealousy consuming me. It feels like an impending doom and I feel so terrible that this is what my future niece's birth represents. Doom?! I wish I could be happier. I want to so very badly to look forward to this new little baby.

Then there's this strange feeling of relief. I spent nearly nine months doing nothing but worrying about Alexandra. The first trimester I worried about miscarrying. The second trimester I worried about going into preterm labor. Then the third came and I worried about getting in a car accident to or from work. I worried about falling. I worried about eating something and it affecting her somehow. I worried about pre-eclampsia, high blood pressure, you name it, I probably worried about it. And then I got to 35 weeks...35 weeks! And finally, I felt a huge sense of relief and then it all went to hell.  So now I find myself relieved to not have to worry for the time being. In some ways I am actually glad to not be pregnant because all I would be doing would be worrying (only double this time!). It's kind of a relief and a weight off of my shoulders. But at the same time, that's all I want to do is get pregnant. It's so complicated. So I think what I'm going to try and do now is just enjoy this time I have now. I'm going to enjoy feeling good physically for a bit and I'm going to try and appreciate this freedom I have that I don't really want. I'm going to enjoy not worrying for a change and I would like to think Alexandra is telling me not to worry and just to be happy! Or as happy as I can be anyway. And on this note, I'd like to leave with this. Thank you to Laura at Angel Baby Names! This could not have come at a better time! I really love it.