Guilt

First of all, I just want to take a moment to say thanks for all of your comments on previous posts! They really lighten my mood and lift me up when I'm feeling down. It's just one of the many reasons why I enjoy blogging so much. I have met so many wonderful ladies and I think you are all great! I just wish we met under happier circumstances.

I saw this over at Glow and thought I would comment on it here. The discussion was "How did you let go of the guilt?" Guilt is an ugly word especially in grief. My guilt isn't as strong as it once was. The days and weeks after I had Alexandra were the worst. The what ifs and if onlys were at their strongest then.

If only I had gone to the ER that night....
What if I called my doctor when I wasn't feeling quite right?
Was it something I ate?
Is it something I did?
Why didn't I do anything when I felt all this pressure then?
Should I have asked and urged my doctor to do another ultrasound?
Was I stressed out?
Did I work too long?
Were my irritating commutes to and from work too much for me?
Should I have switched doctors?

I could go on and on with these. All these questions and thoughts were asked over and over again. Sometimes I still question a lot of things because I did everything right! I ate well. I slept on my left side. I avoided caffeine. I drank water. I'm not sure I've completely let go of the guilt since I still sometimes think about it. I suppose I'm always going to be haunted by the guilt. It's just natural. But I think the guilt will lessen as I gain more acceptance to everything that has happened. On bad days it's going to come back and occupy my every thought. But on the good days I know I have done the best I possibly could. Stay tuned for a future post where I blame it all on myself! Ha ha! :-)  That's how evil guilt is. It keeps coming back over and over again.