Looking For You
5 years ago
May 30, 2010
Another day, another...
Another day, another pregnancy announcement... that is not my own. I have another friend who is pregnant. I'm happy for her because I know she has been trying, but it still hurts. With every announcement and every baby that is born, I feel like I'm thrown further back and left behind. It's lonely here. I feel like I'm in some corner for people who will never be happy and never have another baby. When is it my turn? I wish I could see into the future just to see if we'll ever have the family we have always wanted. It's always going to be broken, but I wish I could have some kind of guarantee that this is just a bump in the road and in a few years, I'll be back to a "new" happy place. Lately, it just feels like there is no point to a lot of things. Every day seems like the same old thing and some days only bring out more frustration. I've lost friends. I barely know how to speak to my own family lately. Where is the good that is going to come out of this all? What is the point of all this? I wish I knew. I just need to know things will be okay and I'll be able to reach that happiness I felt before all of this happened. I'm starting to forget what that felt like and I miss it.
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Hugs. I've been wondering lately if I'll ever be happy like I used to be. I was looking for some photos on my PC the other day and Matilda's photos were up when I opened the program. I looked at the photo of me beside her in the NICU on day 2 before things started going wrong and we really thought she'd be coming home in a few weeks and I just look so happy. It's like looking at a different person. Likewise, when I look at our wedding photos from last year.
ReplyDeleteMore hugs.
*hug*. I wish I had the answers to your questions. This is a difficult road to be on, and a very lonely one at times.
ReplyDeletelove and prayers
elena
I am praying for you, Maggie. It is all any of us can REALLY do. Know that you are loved and cared for and prayed for. I'm always here if you need a friend. xxx
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I am in that corner with you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, it's still lonely over here on this side, too. I wonder, too, about true happiness...TRUE happiness. To borrow your words, my family will always be broken, but I hope with everything that I have that TRUE happiness will return one day.
ReplyDeleteHopefully one day we can all look at this as a seriously life changing, but manageable event. Until then, we all hold hands, hold each other up and move forward together...and drink lots when we are not 'with beans'.
Maggie, I am thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteIt does seem like everyone is announcing their pregnancy. Many blm's who had their loss after we loss Gracie are already pregnant. I don't say it on my blog or on fb but were ttc also. I can say it here I don't want undo pressure from family or Irl friends. Hoping we'll be next Maggie!!
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I have just got the news that my colleague has her baby on Friday before I saw your post here.You are not alone at that corner, I am with you.Hopefully, one day we can jump from this corner to another one with happiness.
ReplyDeleteMany hugs...
I hear on the pregnancy announcements! I hope you get to announce yours soon. I wish I had all the answers as well and had just a few second glimpse into the future as well. It will be better, just a question of when I think - I think we have to believe that.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs.