I want! I want! I want!

I want to stop feeling bitter about pregnant women, babies and anything having to do with babies and/or children. I absolutely hate feeling bitter about everything. I hate how it makes me feel. I hate how it makes me look. I just hate it!

I want to stop the bitterness I have towards my SIL because she has her newborn baby girl and I do not. I want to be happy for her. I want to help her babysit. I want to be there for her. I want to be a good Aunt. I want to have been able to teach her all the things she's learning how to do now. I want to be able to give her advice. I feel like I know so little now, but I feel like I should know everything now or at least know of things pretty good by now.

I want to be happy when I login to Facebook and see pictures of friend's babies in their cute little outfits...outfits that I actually have hanging in Alexandra's closet or thrown somewhere in her room over a bunch of boxes, just all waiting to be worn and used.

I want this ache in my heart to stop.

I want to stop feeling guilty and stop thinking about things I could have been able to do.

I want to stop feeling like some freak because I'm the girl whose baby died. There must be something wrong with me. I must have done something wrong.

I want to stop feeling like I've let so many people down. So many others had hopes and dreams for Alexandra too.

I want Alexandra.

I want her to have a brother/sister soon. I want to stop thinking about getting pregnant. I was supposed to be done with the whole getting pregnant thing.

I want to stop caring about what people think and be able to say what I really think. Why do I need to think of what others think? I'm the one who had a loss. Others should have to deal with the awkwardness, not me.

I want relationships to strengthen instead of weaken or disappear entirely.

I want to have more hope than I do now. I want, I want, I want... I want to stop thinking about myself and my loss all the time. I feel so damn selfish. I just want to be... I want to feel like I was before. I waited so long for the right guy. Then I got married. I got pregnant. My life was perfect! I couldn't believe that everything had finally fallen into place. It seemed too good to be true... and then... everything changed. And I just want to know...why?

p.s. WOW, now this was one of the most depressing posts I've ever seen and truthfully, I have felt pretty good all day! Hard to tell by looking at this. But I just got home and logged into Facebook and I saw about 10 baby pictures (not by any babyloss mamas), a few pictures that had an outfit that Alexandra has, a couple people complaining about their kids and some post about some site that prides itself as being an example of "good birth control" because kids ruin everything and THIS is what my post came out to be! I wasn't going to write about this... thank you Facebook for once again, ruining my positive perspective on things! Why don't I just make it that much worse by checking out my SIL's profile now? Nope...already did that a few days ago (after I swore I wouldn't), and yes...  no good came out of it, at all. *sigh* I just want to know when is it my turn again?!