I remember the moment my doctor asked me if I wanted a c-section or to deliver naturally. I remember thinking of the silence that would enter that room afterwards and I couldn't bear to experience that. At that moment, the silence was the scariest thing at the time and I thought that was going to be what hurt the most. But I was wrong. It was everything after that hurts the most...and continues to hurt.
Now, with my SIL, I thought the scariest part would be holding my new niece or facing the anticipation of having to see her and hold this new little baby. Well, I did and it wasn't as bad as I had thought. It was hard as hell, but it's everything that is going on now. It's thinking of her taking care of her newborn baby girl as she learns how to be a Mom for the very first time. I think of her holding her new daughter and cooing and feeding her every.single.minute.of.every.single.day... I hear my husband call his parents and tell them advice for the new baby for his sister and it breaks my heart into shreds. He is giving advice because he knows everything. We know everything. We were so ready for a new baby. And now all of our knowledge is being used for somebody else instead of us. I imagine my in-laws so excited and filled with love for this new baby and I just want to cry because I want to scream out that I'm still hurting and everything is still so hard for me and I'm scared to death my daughter will be pushed aside and forgotten. I feel territorial about all of Alexandra's things that she never will get to use. I'm guarding every single thing I own for fear that someone will just give it away because we have no use for it anymore and I'm afraid that we'll never be able to use these things. I almost feel stupid for having everything. We have an entire nursery filled with baby girl things and I'm keeping it because it all belongs to my dead daughter and I cannot bear to give it away to someone else. I feel like a two year old who doesn't want to share their new toys. And all of these feelings have come out just because of one tiny, innocent baby being born. It all just breaks my heart. And the ironic thing about all of this is, if we were to go and see my new niece right now, I would go in a heartbeat. I feel like I want to see her. Isn't that a little fucked up?! (another F bomb!) ;) I feel hopeless. I feel sad. All I really want is to get to my happy place.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I JUST took the knife out of you chest, and placed it slowly back into mine...I feel like we are sharing the same hot knife....im so sorry maggie, im sorry about this whole post...im sorry that you feel like they are "pushing her to the side"....I will never push her to the side, i love her and we dont need to have the same DNA for her to be MY niece too....I love Alexandra and i never even got to meet her...she is powerful she is doing amazing things and she WILL bring you the chance one day to use all the knowledge on her brother or sisters...xoxoxo...WHY, I ask someone to just let us know today WHYYYYYY, and dont worry about F bombs...i drop them all the time these days :)
ReplyDeleteI too feel that horrible hurt deep inside. Maggie it is the worse feeling... Everytime my mom calls that she is shopping for a cousin or other having s baby I want to SCREAM>..... it should be for my babies not others..... Now I have a niece who is 7 months and I am ging to hate going to her shower or anything about it... I love love my niece like a daughter but it hurts so much... she didn't even plan this baby... life s*cks...I love how our babie almost have the same name.
ReplyDeleteOh, Maggie...I know just what it feels like not to want your baby forgotten. For what it's worth, I will never forget your precious Alexandra! My heart just aches for you. I feel as if I could have written the part about guarding her things...sometimes I think people may think it strange that I want to keep all these things that remind me of Lily, even though she can't use them. My mom and didn't finish the nursery completely before Lily's birth and we are still going to. We want it to be just right. And we want to keep it that way. I don't want to give away her things...they are HERS! I even feel weird about letting my own future babies use her stuff. I know it sounds silly. To this day, I have her cradle in my room by my bed. And her car seat just sitting on my floor, off to the side. I can't bear to put these things away. It's like I'm acknowledging she's gone. Anyways, praying for you! Your posts always strike a chord deep within my heart!
ReplyDeleteI totally understand being territorial Alexandra's things. I am the same way with Emma and Chase. We didn't have a nursery full though. I think you should hold onto her things till you are ready to part with them. Maybe you will always keep some things from the nursery and I think that is okay. Her belongings are so important.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Jill, you really should not feel bad for wanting to keep Alexandra's stuff. That is your daughter, so hold it until you are ready to part with it. Hugs to you Maggie. I am always thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteIt IS her stuff. Hang onto all of it. She might need to share with her little sister someday. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteYou hang on as tight and as long as you want to, Maggie.
ReplyDeleteMy mom bought a onesie for Claire while she was on vacation and every time I look at it I think that maybe I should leave it out of Claire's keepsake box for a future sibling and then I get little stab telling me that it is hers and I should leave it alone.
I don't think we will truly know what to do until the the time comes... if ever it does come.
Do what feels right for you. It's difficult, I know, when you feel outside pressures however they don't get it and so let them think what they want!
xo
I hope you get to share some of her things with another sibling one day. Please don't feel silly about keeping all her stuff, it is hers - and yours to do whatever you want with.
ReplyDeleteMy dear Maggie, I am so sorry about your post:((
ReplyDeleteMy best friend gave a birth 5 weeks after my son is stillborn.I still keep every single nursery for my son.I have not given anything to my friend.Maybe she expected some from me but no way!They were meant for my son.He is not alive but they belong to him.Only his future sister or brother can use them.
We will never forget our babies.I will never forget you and Alexandra until my last breath.God bless you and your daughter Alexandra...
*huge hugs* It is so hard when we give advice because we had started preparing only to see someone else living out our dreams. I am so sorry Maggie. I wish Alexandra was still here with you.
ReplyDeleteToo bad Ohio is so far...I feel like you need the biggest hug ever. Why is it that the happy place is so evasive? Every time I think I am pulling into downtown happy place, I figure out that that particular destination was never happy place to begin with. Sucks. Someday...maybe. (And yay for the F-bombs!!!!)
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