Everyone who has read this blog knows I am a new Aunt and how much this event has made all aspects of my loss that much harder. It was hard when I found out my SIL was pregnant. It was hard when I found out she would have a girl. It was hard when she went into labor. It was just all plain hard. I often wonder if it would have been ANY different, had this not have occurred? I know pregnant women and babies would have still bothered me, but I don't think I would have felt that punch in the stomach every single day. Who knows. But it really doesn't matter because she had her healthy baby, I'm an Aunt and hopefully as my niece grows up, I can spoil her rotten. I hope it will get easier, but in the back of my mind I will always be thinking of Alexandra whenever I see her because they would have only been about five months apart.
Anyway, since I have become an Aunt, it still hasn't gotten any easier. It might even be harder now. I'm not real sure. But I find myself not texting my SIL anymore because I know she's busy with "the baby". I don't bother calling her. I feel as if I cannot ask my husband's parents for anything because they too might be busy helping her take care of "the baby". I'm sure they are not there 24/7 and I'm sure I'm just imagining it all, but that's what I'm thinking. During my trip, I swear I could hear, "I'm sorry, I'm too busy with the baby" when my husband was talking on the phone to his Mom. Maybe that was it. She could have said, "I'm sorry, maybe..." for all I know. Doesn't matter. In my mind, it's always going to be "the baby" this and "the baby" that. I'm beginning to feel like a burden to everyone because I don't want to inconvenience anyone because there is this new little baby to take care of now. So much more important than my thirty-one year old self. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself. I lost my baby six months ago. I should be fine now. Who cares about me? Blah. I wish I didn't feel like such a burden to everyone. My mind tells me that I'm not a burden and I certainly have a right to ask people for help for whatever when I need it. But for whatever reason, I cannot because I'm convinced everyone would rather be with the baby.
I also imagine my SIL taking care of her baby every single day now and it kills me. I know I mentioned this before, but that's all I seem to think about. She's going to learn how to take care of a baby and know so much more than me soon. All I know is how to take care of a baby that has died. I don't know any of it. I know how to prepare for a baby and make sure everything is safe, but I have no clue how to actually take care of a living baby. I considered "unhiding" her from Facebook the other day until I actually saw her profile. "Up all day & night with the baby, tired", "baby fell asleep on me", "already got the greatest gift of all for Mother's Day..." ... After I pulled the knife from my chest, I decided to never, ever look at her profile again...ever. I don't remember what day that was, but I have no fuckin clue what the hell she has on her mind lately and that is just fine. :-)
Looking For You
5 years ago
i know she is your SIL and all but She is an (_,*,_)<---A hole!!! is she kidding me? who would put that on facebook KNOWING you have a fb?? please dont unhide her...i cant imagine what it must be like in your position, i mean i can a little...my neice's are 7,5 and 2 and my MIL watches them ALL at one point or another and as much as i know she "thinks" of Alyssa, it hasnt changed her taking care of them one bit....one time she was supposed to come over so we could console each other and last minute it was "Oh she (5yrold) doesnt want to leave she is crying for me"....So i said ok, and all i can think of is of course, my baby is dead so yeah, i can be pushed to the side so you dont have to leave her...why not??!!! Yet another thing to add to our "curse" list...we are cursed to see other children and know they can be close in age *sigh* and knife has now entered my chest, you dont think we can catch anything by sharing this knife right?? lmao
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie, I'm SO SORRY. I can totally relate with that knife in chest feeling. I have "unfriended" quite a few people because it feels like a cruel joke from God that so many cousins and friends and co-workers had babies this last 8 months. The most recent was Friday and I need to "hide" that cousin because I just keep torturing myself reading the same type of comments! I avoid speaking to ANYONE (Aunts especially) who might tell me all about "the baby" this and "the baby that." So, all that to say - I don't blame you at all for the way you feel. I'm right there with ya sista. Sending you giant bear hugs my friend.
ReplyDelete((Hugs)) Maggie, you are a wonderful person.
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie, sending you hugs....I too went through this with my own sister in law. It's so much more in your face when it's your own family and you face the expectations of having to be "happy" for them in the face of your own grief. It's the hardest thing in the world. The pain becomes almost unbearable because there is extra silence from family who out of concern starts to exclude you from talk of "the baby". This won't go away. If there is any way you can let your family, especially your SIL know that it's not about not being happy for them but unhappy for you, do it. If you're upfront about your absence, there will be no questions, no expectations, no wondering about what hurts you and what you can and cannot deal with. And regardless of the fact that her child is alive and breathing, you are also a mother, no matter what. Every experience in motherhood is different, don't take away from the wonderful mothering you gave Alexandra, she knows that your love for her was perfect. Sending you hugs....please email me if you want to talk...
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie, I am so sorry. My SIL and I were 5 days apart in my pregnancy with Hannah. I now how a beautiful nephew and a SIL who could care less about my feelings. It is so hard to watch someone else living what you should be living as well---having that wedge where there should have been a bond. I am so sorry. I'm praying for you. xxx
ReplyDeleteIt's understandable how hard that is for you. So Sorry ((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, and I guess there is not way for you to really feel any differently. Please try not to feel about your feelings although I know that is so hard to do. I was pregnant with a friend and that is difficult but to be in your family would be so much harder.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs.
I'm so sorry. How shitty....just uber-shitty. I feel fortunate that I haven't really had to deal with too much of this, and so utterly fortunate that no one in our immediate families has popped a baby since August (there are a few coming from cousins in the next few months, but we are safe with our siblings).
ReplyDeleteWe announced that we were pregnant with Gracie at my in-laws' Christmas Eve dinner, my MIL said to us later that night that it she was so excited for us and about having a new grandbaby, but at the same time she felt crushed for Jeff's brother and SIL because they cannot get conceive the old fashioned way since a surgeon accidentally snipped a nerve during my BIL's colon polyp removal a few years back (now, we should also consider that their marriage is rocky as hell, and that if they had a baby I am pretty sure that it would end up pushed off on my MIL every weekend just like their freaking dogs are...) I think about that and wonder how my BIL and his wife really feel about all of this and what things will be like with my MIL and BIL/his wife when we finally do have a baby.
I don't know....it all sucks.
*hugs* I have had some ranting moments lately...sick of hearing about how my SIL doesn't like stretch marks, sick of how she feels fat. Get over it honey!! Be glad you have a healthy baby growing in you. Argh!!
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