Mother's Day

I received a couple of great pictures from people which I love! Thank you Cindy for this beautiful picture!

And my thanks to Antoinette for this! I saw this on my cell phone that day and it made me smile! Knowing

you were only a few minutes away from me then also helped too!!! I miss that! :-)

I'm sitting here at 1:00 a.m. doing this post because for some unknown reason, I decided to sleep until 2 p.m. today (or actually yesterday, I guess now)! No, it's not because I'm depressed and want to sleep my troubles away, though sometimes I do feel like that. It's definitely not because I'm tired from being pregnant. I just slept. :-)  Anyway, I hope Mother's Day was a day of comfort for all of you and you were all recognized as the mothers that you are.

I think Mother's Day was a little easier to deal with since I was out of town. In a sense, I was away from all of the hoopla. I wasn't pressured to do anything for the holiday with either set of parents like I could have been, had I been home. Instead, I was able to hole myself away in a hotel room and block the holiday out as much as possible. I received a lot of Mother's Day wishes from many of you and some from people I never expected to say anything, so those wishes were nice surprises. But the people I wanted to hear it from was by far, my biggest disappointment. No wishes, no "how are you doing today?", no card, nothing. It makes me wonder if they chose not to recognize it for me out of fear of making me more upset or if it was because they really do believe that I am not a mother and should not be recognized as one since my baby "never made it" into the world. If Alexandra lived to be more than a year old and died at say, five years old, would it have been different? Hard to say and annoying that I'm even thinking of that. Or is it because I've pushed everyone so far away by choosing not to have a big, lavish funeral in Alexandra's honor? We made it a private ceremony and limited it to immediate family only. I know it frustrated a lot of family members when they found out they couldn't mourn with us, but really? Please spare me the drama. I still haven't seen a lot of my family since losing Alexandra and I'm sadly, okay with that.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day and it wasn't a great day either. Last Mother's Day, I was around 9 weeks pregnant. I didn't do a thing for myself either. I was a mom-to-be, not a Mom yet...but now I realize, I was a Mom. I should have done something for myself and enjoyed it. But how was I to know that the next Mother's Day, I would be remembering my daughter instead of enjoying being a new Mom?

Among other things that irked me that day, was my husband telling me I should call or text my SIL and wish her a happy first Mother's Day. Are you kidding me? Sorry sweetie, but no. And I'm sorry he became an immediate victim to my wrath after being told such a thing. I guess I could have been a good sport and sucked it up and sent her a nice text, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. My rationale was that if she sent me one, I would tell her. She didn't, so nothing was sent. I'm tired of being the "good sport" in all of this and being the bigger person. I attempted to do a baby shower. I supported her when I found out she was pregnant. I sucked it up and visited her the day my niece was born and held her for crying out loud. I think the least she could do is show me she still cares too. And a visit in the hospital when I had Alexandra and a couple of cards and going to her service were all nice then, but what about all the months after and now? Needless to say, that annoyed me and caused a bit of a fight. I get that it's his sister and her first baby and she's probably so busy with a new baby, but give me a break. A simple greeting sounds so easy to do, but this whole dead baby thing makes it so damn complicated. In the end, my husband didn't even call because I made it clear to him if he was going to send her Mother's Day wishes, he had to make sure I was not in the same room. Ugh. All of it just makes me sick.