I'm glad this week is over. I feel like it has kicked my ass. Finding out my sister-in-law's news of what she is having really put me over the edge. It was like my broken heart was just starting to heal and then someone ripped the band-aid off and I was right back to feeling like I was just after Alexandra died. Every time I think of her I get sad and I hate it. I hate feeling jealous and sad over something that should be so joyful. I should have Alexandra with me and I should be looking forward to this new little baby. My niece! Now I have all these mixed emotions and my heart just feels trampled on and I'm back at my low point. I'm even afraid of seeing her in person because I don't want to be around her. How awful is that? It's awful to think that every time I see this little girl, I'm going to be reminded of what I didn't get to have. All me, me, me! All about MY grief and sadness and what I don't have. It just seems to be very self centered to me. Sigh..... maybe one day I'll get to that point when I can feel genuine joy and excitement about being an Aunt. I just know I'm not there yet. I hope I can get there soon.
I still struggle with the feelings of being selfish and self-absorbed. I have been told so many times that I have every right to feel that way right now, but it's not who I am - or at least not who I am familiar with being. I think that it will linger under my surface for a while, but I a really hope that it eventually passes. (But on the other hand, I sometimes worry about how I will feel when it does pass...)
ReplyDeleteAww Maggie, im sorry you feel that way. I too feel that way.. one of my best friends is 4 and a bit months pregnant and in a high risk pregnancy and while im so happy for her and that everything is going well i am totally 200% jealous... i feel like a totally shit friend for being so envoius! but i am happy at the same time. i dont know how im going to feel if her baby isa girl.. i know i will be happy but yes im sure it will feel like another stab through the heart..
ReplyDeleteI will join you and mr duck on the box of sadness.. we've hit the six month mark and i think i'm seriously on a down on our roller coaster ride... hope next week is kinder to you..
yep. i am glad to read someone else feels the same way i do about my upcoming niece. this is hard. i cant even blog about it, because she occasionally reads my blog. i dont want to hurt her feelings with my yucky thoughts
ReplyDeleteI'm right there with ya on that crate of sadness. I had a niece that was born one month after Jasper's due date and when I was up in Chicago I planned on going to see her, but I couldn't. When it came time to go I seriously had a major panic attack and I didn't go see her. Know that you are not alone and when your ready you will be able to see your niece.
ReplyDeleteIt's tough right now Maggie but you are still early in your loss so go easy on yourself. My sis in law is having a surprise baby any day now and I'm actually excited about meeting him/her. If this had happened three months in for me I'd be right where you are. These things will get easier in time, I promise. Hugs
ReplyDeletei will stand with you on your crate of sadness. i'm sorry you're feeling selfish about being "me, me, me," but you have the right to nurse your aching heart and grieve for Alexandra. A good friend of our had her daughter on Calvin's due date, and it was a big shock to the system for me. Every time I see pictures of her on Facebook, I am reminded of Calvin and wonder what he would be like had he lived to be born on his due date. Things are getting better. It's easier to think of her and not feel so hurt about not having my son. I'm not sure how I will feel once someone I know has a baby boy - two of my sisters are pregnant right now. I'm sure things will come flooding over me again if one of them has a boy. ((hugs))
ReplyDeletecrystal @ Blessed to Be Broken
*hugs* I can understand this. Dealing with a sis in law who is pregnant. I am trying to be happy, but it is hard...I keep reminding myself that this is going to be my nephew or neice. I am hoping they do not have a boy. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI will definitely join you on the crate! You are definitely not self centered, I am hoping these things get a little better with time - for all of us!
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