Work

I used to start the day off by listening to Alexandra's heartbeat. After that I was good to go. Now, I feel like I cannot really start my day until I catch up on other blogs I'm following and come to my own. Work is going to seriously interfere with my blog reading and writing! I know I have talked about this before, but it's all I'm thinking of lately. I'm not ready to go back to work. I don't even feel a little ready! Not one bit. I'm dreading Monday and if I say that to anyone else, they will just say, "Oh yeah, me too". But I feel like I have more reason to dread Monday than anyone else. I'm not ready for the pity looks. I'm not ready for the awkward greetings. I'm not ready for acting as if I'm okay just so I don't burst into tears in front of someone. And I'm definitely not ready for people acting as if nothing ever happened. I want to take all my vacation and sick time now and say see you in another month or so. It helps to know that a lot of people are looking forward to having me back, but I wish I could look a little more forward to going back myself. I wish I didn't have this anxiety. I wish I had baby pictures to show off instead (or at least pictures of my living baby). If anyone would like to see pictures of my dead baby, I have those on my phone! If I want to make others feel awkward, I guess I could do that!

My last day I had a baby shower and I couldn't wait until maternity leave. Now I look back and feel almost selfish about it all because in some ways my maternity leave meant a break from work more than anything else. I was so annoyed and stressed out with work and being pregnant. I just wanted a few months off and I was looking forward to those last couple of weeks to have by myself before Alexandra's due date.  The weekend is already moving so fast and here I am hoping for it to snow an insane amount so I can say I'm snowed in. Next weekend can't come soon enough! It's only Saturday and I'm already looking forward to Friday. It's going to be a long week.