Looking For You
5 years ago
February 2, 2010
February?
It's funny. I didn't even realize it was a new month until today. I used to be so aware of the day, week and month when I was pregnant. I suppose you kind of have to be, but now the days and weeks are running together and each day really isn't any different than the next. I'm sure being off work doesn't help with that any either, but it is different now. Now the 16th of each month is another month since I have lost Alexandra. It's funny how I can remember those last couple of weeks so clearly. That Thursday we had just finished our childbirth classes. Friday we toured the daycare. The next week was supposed to have been my last few days before maternity leave. I had a hair appointment that week. I was going to look all cute and good for our baby pictures! And the day after that we were scheduled to meet with a pediatrician. We were getting so close. Sadly I never got to that hair appointment and I had to cancel the pediatrician meeting. Just last week I was finally able to get my hair appointment because for some reason I was terrified of going back to the salon and facing everyone. But it turned out to be fine, so I hope that is what work is like for me next week. Each day is a little closer to my return to work and I get a little nervous about it every time I think about it. So I'm going to try and make the best of these last few days by spending time with my husband, my three kitties and remembering Alexandra. I love you little girl. Watch over Mommy and help her get through. I know you are. :)
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I hope you are able to "enjoy" the next few days before going to work. I, too, dreaded going back to work (I was off for 8 weeks) because you knew that people would look at you with that sad face and some people would be brave enough to give condolences...I spent a lot of time in the bathroom crying that day...I pray that you are able to handle it much better than I did!
ReplyDeleteGoing back to work is most certainly difficult. Although the anticipation of going back was harder then it actually turned out to be. Everyone was really kind. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI used to be lost without my watch and now I hardly ever wear it. Time doesn't seem important to me anymore. My sweet Chase grew his angel wings on the 12th and my beautiful Emma on the 16th. Those two dates of every month are hard and mostly because it takes me further away from the last time I held them.
ReplyDeleteI hope work goes well for you when you return. xo
i know what you mean Maggie. I never understood why/how women kept track of what week it was in their pregnancy.. until i was there... after Matilda was born i used to know the days since she was born.. then the weeks.. then the months.. i used to cry myself to sleep every wednesday - she was born at 9:24pm, about the time i go to bed... i dont know when this stopped but it has now.. i suppose i know she wont be coming back and that she already knows how much i miss her.. even though i tell her all the time...
ReplyDeletegoing back to work will no doubt be an interesting experience.. i found the worst people when i went back to work were the ones who didnt say anything.. i felt it was better that people tried that just ignored the last 5 months of my life.. the people that still grate on me 6 months on are the ones who were pregnant at the time and chose to ignore me and stare at me like i was infectious.. i dont know what that is about.. in fact some people literally ran away from me in the first few weeks.. i have no time for them anymore..
anyways i hope your return goes smoothly, try to focus on the good people..
xx
*hugs* Trying to get yourself back into routine can be such a challenge. Be kind to yourself and so what you need to do to get through each day when you do return to work. Thinking of you.
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