Big sigh of relief, I made it! I made it through the week and it wasn't as bad as I thought. After three months of worrying it turned out to be fine. I never thought I would say it, but it's good to be back. The routine is good to have and it's good to see everyone again. I think getting up earlier is also helping my sleeping! Another plus. It's also nice to think of something else than just focusing on Alexandra, but I think of her all the time...every minute of the day. A lot of people have mentioned that it's good to have me back and it's good for me to get back to normal. Normal. Ugh. I wish I could whip out that "New Normal" passage and ask them to read it. My life seems very far from normal these days.
I think my sister-in-law found out what she's having today. I'm not sure, but I know she had an appointment and I know she said after the 12th she would know the sex. But I haven't asked and she hasn't told me yet. I wish I could be more excited and I wish I could feel happier. But all I'm thinking of is that I know she's going to have a girl...why wouldn't she? Seeing how life is going lately...yup. A girl would make it hurt even more and make it that much harder, at least for me. I'm kind of hoping for a boy because I'm afraid if it's a girl then the whole family will forget about our little girl. And I HATE that because it seems so selfish of me! So I'm regretting this news. Who regrets hearing if someone is going to have a girl or boy? It's supposed to be exciting. But today I just dread it. I don't want to know. I remember the day we found out we were having a girl and it was one of the happiest days ever. My how things have changed.
Looking For You
5 years ago
A friend emailed me four weeks after Matilda died and included the sentence 'I hope things are starting to get back to normal for you guys'. I can kind of get that people would expect that things get back to 'normal' eventually (even though they don't - there's no going back to the old normal from what I can tell) but to possibly think that it would happen after a month. That just really showed such a massive gulf and lack of even trying to imagine what this is like for us that it really hurt me.
ReplyDeleteI find it much harder to be around little girls than little boys. I'm looking after my neighbour's boys for a few hours a week but I'm not sure I could do it if she had a girl.
I don't think you're selfish. Big hugs.
I hope the weekend proves to at least be relaxing. I found work so very draining when I first returned and actually still do. Some days I wonder if the energy will ever return.
ReplyDeleteTake the time for yourself and protect yourself as much as you need to. I have found that I cannot risk hurting myself by indulging others pregnancies. True friends will still be there when the darkness starts to fade a bit.
I too knew that my sister in law would end up having a boy, just because we had lost our son and that's the way life usually goes. It's sad to feel resentment towards those you love just because they have healthy babies who get to go home. I don't think you're horrible, I think what you're feeling is very normal. I accept that I will always feel some angst when I hold a newborn baby boy and that's okay. The angst is not about what "they" have, it's about what I'm missing so much in my life right now, my son. And about that "getting back to normal", it'll never happen, and those who have never lost a child will never "get it". Thank God we have our community of mamas who understand. Hugs
ReplyDeleteWhen we loose our babies and people around us are pregnant we hope that they have the opposite sex of the baby we lost. Both of my good friends got pregnant with boys. The first one hit me hard because she found just after we lost Jonathan. I understand that hope for the opposite sex. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteoh mama-this post really hits me---two days ago my sister in law posted on my facebook wall that she found out she is having a girl, and i was crushed. i had origionaly wanted it to be a girl, so we could raise our little girls together (she lives close by), but now it just breaks my heart. i am going to spend the next many years watching her little girl grow up, knowing that Aquila should have been the the same age. it is really heartwrenching..
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