Looking For You
5 years ago
February 25, 2010
The old me
I want the old me back. Where is she? I used to know her. Who is this new me? I don't like her very much. The new me is angry, jealous, sad and annoyed most of the time. This new me doesn't really give a fuck about anything anymore (excuse my language-I just don't know how else to put it). I don't care if someone is having a bad day because chances are I've had much worse. I really don't care about stupid drama that doesn't matter in the end because I have bigger things to deal with. I want to go back to looking toward the future with hope and happiness. I always knew someday I would have children. Now I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a living child again? Hate that. Why does it seem like having a dead baby is more of a guarantee than having a living one? How messed up is that?! It shouldn't have to be that way. The unfairness, the what ifs that still haunt me, all of it...I'm just sick of it. I want to wake up and feel hopeful again. I want to feel like me again. I know I'll get there one day, I just don't know when. And might I add...this stupid snow and cold is definitely not helping! I'm ready for sunny skies!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
This made me cry - I wonder where the old me is and if I'll ever have my same hopeful, happy personality back. I know Matilda has changed me forever but I just feel like a completely different person right now. I blogged the other day about hearing a song on the radio that before all this would've made me want to get up and dance - this thought just made me cry now.
ReplyDeleteIt's summer here (I'm in Australia) and though the bright sun has seemed strange against my grief at times I think it helps. I'm a bit scared about going into winter (not that there's any snow or rain here - it's just a bit colder) and that it's going to make me want to curl up into my protective ball even more.
Big hugs.
Maggie, it's like you are in my head.
ReplyDeleteCheers to brighter days for all of us.
xo
I've been feeling the same way a lot too. Big hugs:)
ReplyDeleteYes, I experience so much of the same. Crazy hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs, I feel the same way most days! I think a nice long summer will help ... I hope for my sake as well.
ReplyDeleteoh mama- many prayers for you in this hard time...
ReplyDeleteMaggie, I have written posts talking about these exact feelings. I hate that our babies aren't in our arms...it is the most painful experience a person could endure. The anger we experience is consuming, to say the least. Even after a year, I deal with anger, jealousy and pain. These are all normal feels. I have learned that I am a changed person now...I am a mother to a baby who died...and it has changed me. My perspective is different, even some of my friendships are different now. For me...hope pops up here and there. Some days I wake up hopeful...and when those days occur, I embrace it. I am so sorry that you are enduring this pain, know that I am here if you ever need a listening ear. Hugs! xoxo
ReplyDeletePerspective is a bitch. Once you have lost a child it is hard to have sympathy for anyone else's "problems". As far as having a living child, when the time comes, focus on all of us who have made it through. Honestly, I can say it doesn't make the pain go away, BUT I feel like I have proved to myself that I can do it. That I can have a live baby. *hugs* We will all be here to support you through it when you decide to do it again. But for right now, you are right where you are supposed to be. Get angry, you lost your beautiful daughter for no reason. The world has fucked you and it sucks. *hugs* It's so unfair she is not here. Nothing will change that. And unless you have been through it, no on will understand. You're doing great, you really are.
ReplyDelete*huge hugs* Its hard to imagine the old you will ever reappear, but in time you start to see bits and pieces of the old you. After the loss of a child you are never the same. How could you be? We have experianced a loss that most women will never have to experiance. Thinking of you.
ReplyDelete