I love roller coasters, I really do. I have been on the one in the picture I don't know how many times! But can I please get off of this roller coaster ride of grief? I'm so very tired of it. It's exhausting. One minute I'm up, the next I'm down. Sometimes I feel like I have conquered my grief and am at full acceptance of Alexandra's death. I'm strong! I buried my own daughter so I can do anything! Everybody just watch! Other times I'm right back at rock bottom. At some high point I decided I was strong enough to throw a baby shower for my sister-in-law. Now I'm at my low point and I backed out. I'm still dealing with losing Alexandra and now this new news and finding out what she's having has put me over the edge. I'm afraid my husband and I are going to be the only ones who remember our little girl. I feel like everyone is going to forget about her the minute this new baby arrives. I'm finished. I can't do it anymore and it's just too hard. I'm going to back out and focus on my own healing. I think she understands. I hope so anyway. I just imagine myself standing at the shower with a big fake smile (because I'm so good at that lately) and acting like everything is okay. I don't want to do that and I don't think it's fair to her to have someone throw her baby shower when that person can barely stand to see other pregnant women and babies. It's not right and I cannot stand the possibiltiy of taking her day away from her. I remembered how happy I was at my shower. She deserves to be that happy too.
So yes, whenever I can be let off this terrible ride, please let me know. This is the worst roller coaster ever. I'm tired of these ups and downs. It's making me sick. The ride is way too rough for my taste and I cannot stand these twists and turns. Let me off please. I want to ride another!
I too wish I could get off this ride. From what I hear it is a long ride. I am sure your sister-in-law will understand. I don't think I could plan a baby shower right now. It would just be too hard so don't beat yourself up about backing out. xx
ReplyDeleteI wish I could get off as well. I'm exhausted. On good days, I feel strong as well. Like I can cope and that this will eventually get better. On bad days, it's like the good days never happened.
ReplyDeleteLike Jill said, don't beat yourself up about the baby shower. I don't think I'll ever even be able to go to one again.
Thinking of you.
Be kind to yourself and try to give yourself a break. I never was a baby shower person, even with my first. Now, I don't think I'll ever go to another and just receiving invitations stings. Self-protection is about all we have going for us these days.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I could plan a baby shower right now and I totally get the roller coaster aspect of emotions through this. Here's to more good days and good moments.
ReplyDeleteI hope there are more good moments and less bad ones, but you probably don't ever want to get rid of them completely I know that is how I feel. I am just debating going to a baby shower in two weeks, I can't imagine trying to organize one - you made the right decision I think.
ReplyDeleteI'm doing my sister in law's shower, but it's been over a year for me since I lost my son. If I had been asked to host one a few months into my grief, I would not have been able to. She will understand. Don't worry about anyone forgetting Alexandra either, they won't. We won't forget her either. Sending you hugs
ReplyDelete((hugs)) i'm so sorry for the up and downs of this grief. please try not to be so hard on yourself. i think you did the right thing letting your sister-in-law know that it's too hard. i'm sorry for the pretending and having to get good at faking the smiles - i hate having to pretend to be happy when all i want to do is cry for my babies. as time has passed, i've found that i have more had good/okay days in between the bad ones, though they still come. do what you can to take care of yourself.
ReplyDelete-crystal @fragments.louielovescrystal.com
You are strong. But the truth is that you should have never had to have been that strong. A mother should never have to bury her child. It goes against nature. Our children should outlive us.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
The first year of grief is so hard.
Oh, and I went to a baby shower shortly after my daughter passed away and regretted it.
ReplyDeleteAlthough it was tolerable, simply because I downed a few alcoholic beverages before I went. No one knew. It was for my sister-in-law. I even played one of the games, and won! Then while she was opening her gifts, I kinda fell asleep on the table. It was the only way I was going to make it through the day. After that, I swore off babyshowers for awhile--just was not worth it.
Maggie, I wish I could say when this ride will be over. I was on this ride for the last seven months and its honestly just now that I am finding my way off this ride....thats not to say I am healed...no matter how far you progress in your healing there is always going to be bad days. I have learned that when the good days outnumber the bad days, you are starting to find your way off the ride.
ReplyDeleteIn regard to your family, do you have something you can give them to help remember Alexandra such as photos, Alexandra's name written down? If they have something to remember her by, they won't be able to forget her. *hugs*
In regard to your sister in law, if she loves you I can't imagine her not understanding. *hugs* I am thinking of you. You are wonderful!!