Here are some things I can do...
I can sleep in for as long as I want.
I can get up and go to work in an hour.
I can decide to go to a movie or out to dinner just like that.
If I want to go on vacation I can plan one right away.
I can watch TV, read the paper, or go online whenever I want and forever how long I want.
I have a ton of freetime.
Sounds pretty good, right? But I don't want any of those things. I want to be so tired I can barely stay awake because I've been up with a newborn all night long. I want to be so crazed each morning I get up for work trying to get me ready to go to work and trying to get a newborn ready for daycare. I want to have to think about who is going to take care of Alexandra if I want a night out by myself or if I want to go on vacation. I don't want this freedom. I want my entire life to be revolved around Alexandra and her needs every day. I want to barely have enough time in the day for myself. I want a night with a crying baby and to feel frustrated because she's been crying all night long. I want so many things I cannot have now. Why does grief seem so self centered to me? I want, I want, I want... I miss you Alexandra.
Looking For You
5 years ago
I feel like this too. Everything I used to enjoy doing now just feels like a reminder that I can still do it because I don't have Matilda here to look after.
ReplyDeleteMe, too! xxoo
ReplyDeleteI want all those things too. Missing Alexandra with you!
ReplyDeleteAwe I know what you mean, sometimes when I have a bad night and I wake up in the morning I am sad I am not even more tired!
ReplyDeleteI wished we lived closer too!
WOW! Agreed. I want all of those things too! Well said! I wish you could have her! I really do. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI totally agree...I wish we all had our little ones in our arms.
ReplyDeleteI want the craziness too!! Thinking of you and Alexandra *hugs*
ReplyDelete