Not only am I a good faker these days... I'm also an excellent liar. The past week I have noticed an innocent question such as, "How are you?" takes on a whole new meaning to me now. Months ago it was a simple greeting. Now I wonder if people really want to know "how I am" or if their just trying to be nice because that's all they really know what to ask. My conversations always go something like this:
"Hi Maggie, how are you?"
"I'm doing okay...we're good."
"Glad to hear that."
Keep in mind every time I answer, I'm really thinking, "Oh, I'm doing okay...you know, considering my firstborn child died three months ago and now I have to live every day for the rest of my life knowing that... and now I'm worried I may never have a chance to have a living baby again...I go home every night to an empty house with an empty nursery and I see gifts for Alexandra still left out from my baby shower all over the house...and then go on my computer and read stories of other babies who have died because that's the one time during the entire day I feel a little less alone and it's the only place that seems to understand what I'm going through...so yes, I'm doing okay considering." Such a big fat lie. Why do we do it? Why do we feel like we have to protect others from our bad news? It doesn't seem right or fair. Nothing about this is fair. And then I heard the ever so popular saying of how strong I am. "Don't worry Maggie...you're strong." Yup...I sure am, thanks for reminding me.
But on another note entirely unrelated to anything...I finally managed to create a blog button for me! I feel so technically savvy! Okay, not really. You might have noticed it. Now I just need to figure out how to make it so others can grab it. I'm real close, I just don't have the patience for it yet. Stay tuned. :-) ...or maybe not! I may have given up!
Looking For You
5 years ago
I feel the same way and usually also lie when someone asks how I am, and I find it hard to explain how I am in a one phrase bit. I wish that people would say, oh, "it's nice to see you" instead of the old stand by, how's it going? I don't think they really know how hard that question is to answer:) I have caught myself greeting people with "how you doing?" But I'm going to make an effort to not ask that unless I'm ready to sit down and have a long chat with who I ask the question to. Weird how this whole thing changes even how you decide to greet someone.
ReplyDeleteI knew life wasn't fair before...but our experience is the ultimate in that, and there just continue to be ripples of unfairness from it. Maybe a negative perspective. Sorry. Lots of (((Hugs))) for you though.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. I often wonder if people are being courteous and asking how I am doing or if they are asking how I am doing because of losing my babies. It used to be a simple question to me, but not anymore.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see your blog button! ; )
your button is very pretty :). i am so sorry for the lies we have to answer with. the courtesy "how are you?" vs the "really, how are you?" is very hard to distinguish, and it's not fair that we can't say we're sad, hurting, grieving... ((hugs))
ReplyDeletecrystal theresa @ Blessed to Be Broken
Because we get tired of the pity and feeling like freaks.
ReplyDeleteI know I always felt that after the initial "how are you" that meant true concern, it turned into a "how are you" that seemed to mean, "are you over it yet?
I hate that question. I got used to answering, 'ok'.
*hugs*
Nice button! On Friday when I went to the Dr's office she asked me how I was doing and I said fine and she looked at me with a face that said she knew I was lying and I started crying, but it is seems so much easier to just lie and say you are fine!
ReplyDeleteI lost Morgan right after she was born and no one knows why. She was my first and only baby. I know how you feel. You're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI grabbed your button. :)
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel...I get the feeling its one of those typical pleasantries that people exchange. No one wants to really feel because then they will start to wonder why did they ask?
I do have to say that I hide less in now and if people don't like it too bad...its how I am feeling. I don't give them the 411 when they ask how I am, but when people complain about something I am quick to remind them it could always be worse.
*hugs*
I love the button!! So cute.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you are coming from with feeling like you have to pretend everything is fine. I have found recently that if I am having a bad day, I will admit to it. Get it out! Especially my friends, and family and even more recently my coworkers. I think it's okay to say you are having a rough day. Most certainly it's okay to have a rough day...it unfortunately comes with the territory. Take the good days when they come, and fight through the bad days when happen. Thinking of you!!
Sending you lots of hugs!!! One of these days we should get together for lunch! :-)