Looking For You
5 years ago
February 1, 2010
Faking
Saturday, I went out for my friend's 21st birthday. Oh to be that young again! I had a really good time and it was fun to see my friends. But it still felt really weird to be out dancing and drinking as if nothing happened. Let's face it. It still feels weird being out in public and I suppose it will probably never really be the same. If you were a person there who saw me for the first time I probably looked like a pretty happy girl. I was smiling and dancing and having fun. I know I'm always going to carry a heavy heart around with me, but I just can't get used to it yet. It feels like I'm faking and I cannot stand it. I feel so fake to everyone lately. I know I have every right to be sad and angry, but with everyone else moving on it's hard. Everyone seems to expect me to be okay now and all I want to do is scream at them "I AM NOT OKAY!". It's not okay that my daughter died and I have to learn how to live with this grief for the rest of my life. It's not okay that everyone else in my family seems to have moved on, but us. It is NOT OKAY! I'm sick of feeling fake. I'm just sick of everything. And I'm really really sick of people only asking me about baby shower plans because that is the only thing that seems to matter now. I'm trying to do the right thing by being supportive and a good future Aunt, but it's really hard and I just feel like nobody seems to get that. Nobody seems to realize that talking about anything pregnancy or baby related just kills me right now. So far I'm able to grin and bear it, but most of the time I just want to SCREAM! So, argh!!!!
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Hi Maggie-
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found my blog. I'm so sorry for your loss- which was so recent. I'd love to make a butterfly for Alexandra (beautiful name), since we both call our girls butterflies.
This is something I really struggle with. I really want people to understand the pain I'm experiencing and that even though I'm functioning, I'm still not okay. I think this is one of the reasons I decided to let my friends read my blog. I can't see how anyone would expect you to be okay only 2 months after losing your daughter. But, I'm sure it feels like that a lot of the time. I'm right there with you. Hang in there!
I know exactly what you mean. It almost becomes second nature to "fake" it. Go ahead and scream. Allow yourself to grieve and as I have said to others, be patient with yourself. xx
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, sort of like living one big lie. Hugs!
ReplyDeletei know how you feel about the baby showers. my sister in law is 23 weeks and last time we talked she was gushing about her shower and her up coming ultrasound.ect
ReplyDeletehard to be a good aunt when i am feeling sorry for myself!
Ugh, it hurts...it hurts when you deal with infertility and it hurts when you lose a baby...so many instances where we have to wear fake smiles and be polite...
ReplyDeleteOne day, my hubby held up a pillow and let me punch it for like 5 minutes straight...I had tears running down my face but it felt good to get some of that anger out...scream and cry...it will make you feel better, even if only momentarily ((HUGS))
I still feel like I am faking it with most people. It does get easier, but I am not sure it ever goes away. You are mighty brave to help plan a baby shower!
ReplyDeletehi maggie, i'm not really sure how i found your blog anymore, and that makes me sad because there are so many women who are missing their babies. you definitely are not alone in feeling like a fake and like everyone has moved on. one of my baby loss momma friends said she felt like an alien when she went out. i hate having the pressure of putting on a happy front for others, of not being sad even though i miss my babies. i'm so sorry people are being insensitive and not realizing how hurtful it is to speak of pregnancy and babies and baby showers. i'm glad you have this place to vent and scream and share how you are really. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way. Sometimes while we are out with friends i think to myself "man i bet they all think your handling this so well, if they only knew the truth!" :(
ReplyDeleteMy SIL is due 3 weeks before i was so her baby shower will be coming up soon! :( I am terrified!
((Hugs))
Hi girl,
ReplyDeleteIn my near family they are more considerate - fortunately.
A week after Yael*'s due date (and three weeks after we lost her) a (not so close) cousin of mine gave birth. Initially no one insisted that I took part in their happiness, which is maybe because of the distance. Afterall there is an ocean between us. Because of this, I was just happy for her - but didn't feel like I wasn't allowed to have my own grieve.
Yet, she then decided to spend New years eve with HER baby at my parents' place - which is something she hasn't done in like 10 years, and omg - I was soooo pissed of at it. I mean: I was supposed to be there with my baby, not a distant cousin who we haven't seen in about 10 years. Where I used to be happy for her in the beginning, I am afraid she blew it all at that point.
Another (much closer) cousin of mine gave birth about 10 days ago. They decided to not let me know, until I would ask for it. I appreciated that. They are also not bugging me with happy news or whatever - for me it could just have been there was no baby yet. I am sure that when time is ready I will join their happiness - but not just yet.
I feel the same way. This "happy" mask is what everyone expects us to be, but really its not even close to what we feel. I'm sorry about the baby shower. I can't really help, but you're in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI know this feeling all too well...people don't stop to realize that you still feel pain. They assume that if you look ok you are ok. Little do they know you are hurting inside. *hugs* You do what you do to do for you. Focus on you.
ReplyDeleteI hate that if I look and act OK then people think I am OK. One of my friends told me that another one had said 'isn't is great that Maddie's back to normal'. How anyone could really think someone is 'back to normal' 3 months after losing their baby is beyond me.
ReplyDeleteIt's one of the reasons I don't really socialise at the moment. I can stand the thought of people thinking I'm OK.