And here...we...GO!

I feel like the Joker in Batman for tonight's post. It is like I'm about ready to drop a bomb on all of my followers who read this blog. For some of them, this will be a fantastic post! But for many, it's going to be like something blew up in their face and their stomach has been punched again, right when they are least expecting it. I know because I have felt this feeling over and over and over again for the past seven months. It's that feeling you have like you have stepped one step back AGAIN and you are getting closer and closer to a corner. It's feeling so very alone and so far left behind.  So, for those of you who feel like this will be fantastic, keep reading!! Those of you who are my newest followers or have grief that is very fresh or have trouble reading about TTC, pregnancy, etc., you may want to turn away now. I'll give you a little bit of time to process this or for some to unfollow me, delete me from your blogs, whatever. I sure hope you don't, but I will definitely understand your reasons if you do.

Okay, do I still have some readers? What do I have, like ten now??? :-)  If you couldn't guess from the above, I'm pregnant. I found out, funnily enough, the day after Alexandra's seven month anniversary. The 16th of this past month was especially hard for my husband, so to find out after that day was almost too good to be true. While I don't want to burden Alexandra with anything related to her future brother/sister, it's almost kind of nice to think that she somehow gave a gift to her Daddy and me this month. I actually dropped everything at work that day (the 16th) to come home and be with my husband. That's how hard this past anniversary was for him.

Thinking back to that day, I remember my cat acting quite unusual towards me. He was looking at me funny, not leaving my side and being much more affectionate to me than usual. I was "due" that day too, so that's the only reason I would even begin to think that Loki might have been on to something. But I pushed the thought aside, told myself I was crazy and kept my husband company instead. The next morning was when I took the test and two little pink lines showed up right away, just like with Alexandra. Only this time, I ran into the bedroom, ordered my husband to turn the light on and confirm if what I saw was correct. It was something like, "Get up...do YOU see two lines?" He did.

Approximately seven to eight pregnancy tests later, and two visits to a "new" doctor office AND an ultrasound, it was confirmed today that I am around 5-6 weeks pregnant. I say 5 because that is what I was measuring at the ultrasound today. They told me 6 weeks yesterday when I saw my doctor, so now I'm really not sure which one to believe. But, the most important thing of all is we saw a heartbeat and we even heard it ever so faintly. I cannot even tell you the hoops I have had to jump through to get to that point. I wasn't supposed to have an ultrasound until next Tuesday, which would have meant another week of waiting and wondering, torture for anyone, who has lost a baby. I had an appointment yesterday. There was a miscommunication in the need for labwork (the miscommunication being...nobody told me I needed it before I left), so after that I came home and started spotting thanks to the exam my doctor did, which of course freaked me out enough to call them today. Then after a mixup of doctor offices (I was supposed to be at one, I went to the OTHER- it was just like Ross being at the wrong airport to catch Rachel!)... I finally bullied my way in to see our baby! What a day.

I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm relieved. I'm hopeful. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm worried. I'm exhausted. Did I mention I'm scared??? I'm afraid of something terrible happening again. I'm afraid I will also lose this baby. I'm afraid I won't take this baby home. I cannot help but think all of these terrible, dark thoughts every day. But then I want to think positive at the same time and be hopeful. But damn, it's hard. I wish I had some kind of guarantee in all of this. Like, first baby died... you WILL take the next one home. If only life were that simple. If only I could stop thinking bad thoughts...if only Alexandra would have lived.

Despite all those bad, dark feelings I am having (and will continue to have), I have to look at two posts before this one and remember about that "new me"! I'm thinking of positive things. I'm thinking of good things. I'm hopeful that Alexandra will get her little sister/brother. I'm going to tell myself whatever happens, we WILL have that baby in our arms one day... and hopefully that day will be February 19, 2011 (give or take). :-) 

p.s. If any brave followers managed to get this far, this is probably the only post I'm going to talk about that is pregnancy related. I haven't decided whether or not to create a new blog for this new pregnancy. And quite frankly, the only reason I hesitate to really do that is, I'm lazy! I haven't made any announcements on Facebook yet, so for now, if you are on there, keep it on the down low. :-)  I probably won't even talk about it on there all that much. I don't want to turn into one of them....