"My baby died."

This gets me every time, every single time. I'm six months out and I still have those moments every so often when someone asks me about the baby. "How's the baby doing?" How can a question so innocent make me so speechless and at a loss for words? That happened to me today and I knew it was coming. It was just a matter of time. I've parked in the same lot across the street from my work for a good five years. By now I feel like I have gotten to know a lot of the attendants. They know I'm a monthly parker and I say 'hello' and 'bye' every day. Every so often they will ask how I'm doing or like last year, noticed I was pregnant, which naturally led to all sorts of baby talk. After I returned to work back in February, the night attendant asked me this same question, but in a different way. I made the mistake then by saying, 'Oh yes, everyone is fine'. Now whenever I walk by after work, they give me this warm smile and I know their just thinking, 'oh, that girl must be so happy with a new baby and all'... Or maybe that's just me thinking that. Either way, I get annoyed every time I see them smile because in my mind, that's what they are thinking.

So, today I was just walking out of the lot and the morning attendant says his usual greeting and then asks, 'Hey! How's your baby doing?!' I froze. I wasn't really expecting it today because he had never asked. And it's not exactly something I want to bring up every day to let him know. "Hey...so just to let you know, my baby died." There are a few ways I can always answer. I can say, "Fine, thanks" like I did before and then hear the same question over and over again. I could start making things up like, 'oh yes, she's getting so big!' But I'm not a good liar and I never will be. Or I can just say those three words I've said over and over and thought in my head for the last six months and tell him the hard, honest truth, "My baby died". So, that's what I said. And I'm not sure if it's healing or if it's because I hate showing any kind of emotion because I'm such an introverted person, but I have the ability to say those words without breaking down crying. Those words clearly still have a lot of meaning to me, but I say and think them so many times. It's almost like I'm numb to it. Either that or it's some crazy superpower of a babyloss mother. The minute I said it, his face dropped, he gasped and said a genuine, "I am so sorry". He kept repeating it over and over and hugged me and then hugged me again. This was the guy who wanted me to get pregnant right after I got married. He noticed I was pregnant once I started showing.  He asked me if I knew it was a girl or a boy. He told me stores to get some baby things. He asked me when I was due. He was so excited and I'm sure he was hoping to hear something like, 'Oh, Alexandra is doing just fine, getting so big and I'm loving watching her grow every day'! And instead he heard, "my baby died". I almost felt sorry for him because of the disappointment I saw in his face. He kept saying, 'oh my god, I'm so sorry' over and over. Meanwhile a line of cars with impatient workers wanting to pay had started to form. And he didn't care, he kept hugging me. And I think because of that, as awkward as it was, his genuine reaction somehow made it seem not as bad. It's good to know a few people like that are still out there. Maybe we have some hope after all.