Looking For You
5 years ago
June 21, 2010
Why can't I just let it go?
I have a thorn in my side and I want to do nothing more than just pull it out and be done with it. But I can't. It's there every day. I dream about it when I'm sleeping. I think about it when I get up and it occupies at least part of my mind every single minute of the day. How can you just forget about things people say to you? How can I forget how hurt I felt after being called selfish for not wanting to give away some old baby clothes or not wanting to see pregnant women or women with babies? How can I just let that slide down my back as if it was never said? I can't. I cannot just say, "You know what, you're so right. I WAS being selfish. I'm SORRY if my mourning of my daughter interfered with any ounce of happiness that you might finally have. I'm sorry my mourning was a big rain on your happy parade." I cannot and WILL not do that. I have done nothing wrong, but why do I feel like the guilty one? Why do I feel like the one who needs to suck it up and bring some kind of peace into my life? Why do I once again have to be the bigger person in this whole mess? It pisses me off and I'm frankly, quite sick of it. I've heard the saying, "forgive and forget" and in this "club", I think that saying is bullshit. I cannot forgive people for acting like my daughter never existed. I cannot forgive people for telling me to "get over it" or "deal with it". I cannot forgive people for acting like MY feelings are actually all about them. And I cannot forgive people for telling me I'm "not coping" and need to seek therapy or treatment. And I obviously cannot forget about it either. *sigh* Why does it have to be so complicated? Why couldn't Alexandra just be here today so I wouldn't have to wonder about all of this? I just want things to be better. I want to let the bad things go.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hugs. I wonder about this too - why do I have to be the bigger person when I'm already dealing with losing my daughter. It sucks - other people say things without thinking and then get on with their lives. We're stuck with that hurtful thing going round and round in our heads. I think this is a big part of the reason I keep to myself so much now.
ReplyDeleteMaddie x
I'm sorry this is a thorn in your side. I hope you find some peace and resolve soon-for you and no one else. You're right, you've done nothing wrong. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think forgiveness is more for us than the person who needs forgiveness. At least that whole idea makes it easier for me to forgive:)
ReplyDeleteThis quote helped me forgive someone who ticked me off not long ago:
"He who can not forgive breaks the bridege over which he himself must pass." George Herbert
I don't think forgiveness means forgetting or at least I haven't been able to forget but once you have forgiven and you remember it doesn't hurt so bad. I also don't think forgiveness means you have to be around someone who is going to hurt you over and over again. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to agree with their actions or comments either.
I've been this spot several times and it's not easy.
I think the answer to why you feel guilty is that you are a nice person and don't like to fight with people :) That being said you have nothing to be sorry for and maybe that forgiving would make you feel like you are wrong. I think I would feel the same way in this situation so I don't have any amazing words of wisdom, but I do know that it is sometimes very hard to forgive and forget. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteMelissa's first sentence is exactly what I was about to write ;) People who act as though Alexandra never existed are pond scum. There, I said it. Hugs.
ReplyDelete*hugs* i agree with saffy's second line :) total pond scum.. i have had people say things to me like "one day you'll have a baby" my thoughts usually are "i already HAVE one!!!!" but i sit there silently and think well they dont mean to be mean and hurtful so i wont correct them... i wish i had the courage to correct them... xx
ReplyDeleteOh Maggie, I know it is so hard. The way that I have looked at this for myself is that by me not forgiving and letting go I am only hurting myself even more. It is really not hurting the one(s) I am not forgiving. It doesn't mean that you have to maintain a relationship with these people but, at least in my case, it helped me to remove that thorn. Lots of people do love you and do love Alexandra. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't forgive them. Never. Sorry. I have a couple of people in my life who have done things that hurt me incredibly since Valentina died and I will never forgive them. Its just the price you pay for disrespecting my daughter's life and death.
ReplyDelete<3
Well my friend it sounds like we are in the same place. You read my blog and how I am feeling. I want all the same things you do. I wish this could be different. All I can say is don't be too hard on yourself. Those "people" don't understand the heartache associated with losing a chid and they won't. You are working through this the best you can. I am here for you if you need anything.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
No one will understand this heartache like we do honey. No one feels the extent of this pain unless they have lost what we have. P eople that do not know what to say, in my opinion, shouldnt say anything at all.
ReplyDeleteI have been told by a member of my FAMILY that i am no longer the NICE person i used to be.... *sigh*
Lots of hugs to you
Angel's Mummy xxx
Alrighty...who would you like me to beat up? I've had people say they don't know what to say and I've told them a simple I'm sorry works and to NEVER EVER use the cliche sayings. I've often been asked why and I tell them until you've been through it, you'll never know the pain they bring. While I believe forgive and forget on some things, I don't when people are making your loss about them.
ReplyDeleteUGH Maggie you have said EXACTLY what I've been thinking lately. I'm SO sick of people making ME feel guilty for my feelings which I have EVERY right to feel. People just don't get it! I'm TIRED of being the bigger person too and I'm thinkin sometime soon I will blow up in someone's damn face for telling me how I should feel or not even saying anything to me about my daughter's life or death period. I am SO sick of my boyfriend's friends, I want to send them a message saying "FUCK YOU for not saying Happy Father's Day to your 'friend'. I hate you!" (I'm glad I got that out) but then I would be seen as the bad person wouldn't I? I'm sure. DAMNIT why do even have to go through this?? I too wish our babies were just here right now so we wouldn't HAVE to feel this way. :( I'm sorry about those STUPID idiots you're having to deal with. It's easier for some people to forgive but for me I just can't do it no matter how hard I try. I guess that's the stubbornness that I will possess forever.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking of you and Alexandra always <3
OK...i think tonight ALL the blogs are speaking from my brain, im not surprised with YOU as we always think the same, but im PISSED , why do we who are RIGHT have to always lower ourselves, will that ease thier pain or our pain, i like to the "weeding out" the bad ones will heal us quicker than added the weeds into our lives and just accept them for who they are, i want people to come to the point where they say "oh well, thats ann we knew this already" and come knocking on my door!!! that damn thorn in ur side...you dO NOTTTT need this at all...you want and see what happens, alexandra is getting her skills from ALyssa, trust me, she will let her have happen that was and is supposed to happen. their may not be any supposed to on Earth but i believe that rule doesnt apply....im here for you ALWAYS
ReplyDelete